shove your ice cream up your ass, and other literacy lessons

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Two topics to this blog. I’m assuming that you would much prefer one blog chock full of amusing subjects as opposed to several single-topic ones, but if I’m wrong, please sue me, as I have lots of money.

Firstly, and eminently most important, I need you to see why exactly Vilate has secured the position of My Myspace Fantasy Groupie. Be sure to click here for further evidence of her majestic groupie-ness. Additionally, for those following the string of comments regarding my futile efforts to secure a spot on a certain Rockstar’s friends list, we finally had to resort to plan B, which was for my Groupie to post the comment herself since she has long been a member of this fantabulously exclusive club that only admits the likes of her and people like you would see in her Daily Comment blogs.

Secondly, it’s time for another installment of everyone’s favorite blog, Tales From the Inbox (thank you to all the people (NONE) that submitted ideas for the email series. I had to think of it all on my own). Click here for the inauguratory epsiode.

Today’s episode is entitled:

Literacy: It’s NOT Just A Passing Fad!

and also:

Shove Your Ice Cream Up Your Ass

Episode Stats Emails received since yesterday morning: 62
(Note: Some of these were some lovely spam, but included nevertheless.)
Number of emails worthy of submission to the series: 5
Number of blind friend requests accepted: 2
Number of blind friend requests denied: 8

Firstly, we’ll kick things off by introducing I’m The Bride. For his default (and only) profile pic, he’s got a photo of a wedding party. Bride, groom and men/ladies of honor. Therefore, I have no choice but to assume that my mystery admirer can only be…the bride.

Date: Apr 13, 2006 6:44 PM
Subject: hi
Body: hi thier , and how ru ?? im [edited] im fromthe tacoma area kinda new to the scene so what do u like to do for fun

The sheer multitude of typos in this email are staggering, and what earned it a space in today’s episode.

Let’s follow that one up with a submission from Big Feet, No Balls, from Cannon Beach (Oregon? I am assuming). This one makes it because firstly, when I read it I thought he was saying that he was a 63 year old large mutt. First I thought, Wow, a dog that writes! That’s cool. Then I pondered a little more, and thought Oh wait, a 63 year old american indian, okay I get it. Then I thought some more and finally realized, that he’s a 6’3″ American Indian with some French (so still a mutt, I guess) with what sounds like very big feet. I don’t think he’s heard of the rule that big feet don’t necessarily = big penis. And even if it did, I’m not overly fond of men who need to brag in order to get a chick.

Date: Apr 13, 2006 7:04 PM
Subject: No Subject
Body: Whats up Beautiful?!?!?! Have U ever been 2 Cannon Beach? Im a 63 235 lb French-Cherokee mix with a size 14 shoeNeed I say more baby? If U R ever out here hit me up & well kick it!!! Ill make U smile A LOT BIGGER!!! Much Love, [edited]

Yeah, next time I’m in that area I’ll bring you a lifetime supply of Desitin for those monster feet.

This one wins the award for the lamest come-on line I’ve heard (via email or otherwise) in a very very long time. Also note the repeater sentence, in case I missed it the first time he gives me his IM twice………twice. I introduce to you Repeater The Come On Queen.

Date: Apr 13, 2006 6:54
Subject: hey baby
Body: since there are no mirrors in heaven ,Angels have no idea wat they look like ……how happy and delighted would they be if i sent them ur picture to see there reflection ,well would love to know u better if u dont mind ,this is my yahoo im am online now lest get to talk if u got one…….[edited] and you can im me on yahoo messanger on ……..[edited]. Hope to hear from you soon. [edited]

Ummmmm…no thanks. Did I already say “No thanks?” I can’t remember.

Now for the last two, the cream of the crop, la creme de la creme. I saved these two for last because they mark a first for me: the first time that a woman propositioned me on myspace, and the first time ever I’ve had a woman ask me to have sex with her husband. Usually, they find out the hard way and that’s no fun for 2N! But that’s a story for another day. I give you Orgy From Oz: I Won’t Take No For An Answer!

Date: Apr 13, 2006 7:01 PM
Subject: hope I don’t offend u (Editor’s note: right from the beginning I’m primed to be offended by this most excellent title).
Body: I would like to invite you to small party, Im looking for some fun for me and my hubby. We are looking for another woman to join us for some adult sexual fun. We are not looking to play games or sex sites; we are looking for real women who know what they like and want. We want the woman to say what they mean and mean what they say, if not interested in being with being part of a 3sum just say so, we understand because its all about having fun, enjoying the sexual pleasure we bring out of each other, and most of all the pleasure we will give you. We can chat via e-mail or you can call us just let me know what you want to do.

So being the nice, but not interested 2N that I am, I respond, “Gosh. Wow, so flattering, but no. Better luck with someone who has it on their profile that that is what they’re looking for.”

Over? NO!

Date: Apr 13, 2006 8:43 PM
Subject: Hello again
Body: Thanx for the response. I know you turn us down but I have to try again…SMILE…You are so sexy.. would you be interested in just play with Johnny (my hubby) while I watch. He luv’s to go down on women and I luv to watch…it’s like having cake…and if u have sex with him that would be my ice cream. So would you allow me to have my cake and ice cream…..SMILE

Un. Fucking. Beleivable. I guess the thing about this is, I try to put myself in her shoes, like to imagine myself sending some random woman an email, and then asking her to have sex with my husband, and truly, it’s beyond my comprehension. Also note the repeated suggestions to “SMILE”…she knows that I want to punch her in the mouth and is trying to disarm me with “SMILES”. I want her to take her ice cream and shove it up her ass.

One Honorable Mention is awarded to the guy whose email was reasonably well worded, yet misspelled his own name. That, my friends, takes true talent.

PS: Anyone ever heard of the cartoon show The Tick? The Kid is letting me know that his favorite show, the Dick is on. Kids are priceless.

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