floam vs chia pet

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I hate marketers that make commercials that make The Kid bug me to buy stuff. I really do. Because when you see his big blue eyes telling you that he “absolutely haaaaaaaas to have something, so SERIOUS, mom!” and you have to say, “I would rather shove splinters under my fingernails than buy something like that which would completely rot your brain cells”…well, you just feel like a big fat jerk.

Currently it’s Floam. He has asked for it twice now. In case you’re not familiar with Floam, it’s the “fun you can feel”…Micro Beaded Modeling Fun, in fact! Apparently it’s this clay-like substance that you stick on stuff to make it puffy and – well, “floamy”. It’s referred to as “floaming” something. The Kid would like to floam The Dog, his robot, and my car.

So, because I got this guy threatening me with significant bodily harm if I don’t at least look at the commercial:


I go to check out the website: https://www.floam.com.


The first thing I notice is all the kid-enticing colors. The obvious goal of this website is to inspire kids to nag their parents TO DEATH in order to buy this crap for them. Let’s research further:

There’s screaming headlines all over telling me that Floam sticks to almost anything, and that if it doesn’t, there is a full money back guarantee! Fabulous. Just what I need is for something else the Dog can eat to get sick, or the Kid can grind further into the carpet in his room. That’s so freaking exciting. At least if I manage to keep my carpets clean, I can send the whole mess back for a refund.

Ahhhh…the Kid knows me too well though. He is asking less and less insistently, perhaps realizing that I would, indeed, rather shove splinters under my fingernails than expose him (and my HOUSE) to this crap. I’m sure I can buy him one of these and he’ll be just as satisfied:

Okay, maybe not.

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