keep your pee-pee to yourself

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Tales From The Inbox: Keep Your Pee-Pee To Yourself

Limiting to two this time. I plan to blog again before I go out tonight, and who knows? Maybe even a drunked blog when I get home!

Will someone please check out my profile ASAP and see what is it about what’s on there that prompts women to send me messages asking me to have sex with their husbands? This is the second one in two weeks, and I’m going to start getting mean. I don’t like to get mean. People don’t like me when I’m mean. But sometimes you just have to do what you’ve gotta do.

From Wierd, But I’ll Do It Anyway:

Date: Apr 20, 2006 7:30 PM
Subject: hi
Body: i know this is alittle weird but i was wondering if you would be open to have a little fun with my husband. we are swingers and we are currently looking for a girl to have sex with him. nothing serious, no relationship just sex. i do or dont have to be there. if this is something you might think about then he is in the ..1 spot on my friends list and write me back, if not i understand its not for everyone 🙂

Okay first. No relationship? Well thank goodness for that! Because I hate it when, you know, you like, get in a relationship with a husband and wife, and then it’s like having a boyfriend and a girlfriend all at once. And we all know what hell that would be! When you’re not being nagged to death by your girlfriend, you have to deal with jealousy issues from the boyfriend. Fuck that mess.

This one is my absolute favorite, best ever, Hall Of Fame worthy email. No joke, this is exactly what this email looked like. In addition, when you look at the guy’s profile, he’s like, seriously hot. At least, the picture he posted is hot, which is probably not a true reflection of himself but instead some model picture he found somewhere. He’s probably middle-aged and balding with an…ahem…expanding waistline. I give you I’m (Theoretically) Hot But Can’t Write For Shit:

Date: Apr 15, 2006 2:09 PM
Subject: hello
Body: hello
i am [edited] can i no u. can i be ur frined i am cool man and so lovely too nice to meet u can i have ur yahoomail so will can talk cool why is that i need cool woman can can be care 4 me.and i no u can be the one of my life. from [edited]……..

Sigh.

Why is it that beauty and brains never come in the same package? What a complete waste of good looks. I think he should be put out of his misery.

This next bit covers all those that just say “Hi, how’s your day?” or “Hi, how are you?” or “Hi, I have big feet.”. First. I am witty. At least most of the time. I don’t want to talk to you if all you can come up with in an opening email is, “Hi”. Give me something to work with! Make me laugh, or at least smile. Tell me a joke, for crying out loud, anything but a misspelled homage to your big feet (which don’t equal big pee-pee) or your rock hard abs or how you’re going to make me scream for a week. Bo-ring.

That’s it for now. Must get back to work. I’m reposting some stuff later on for my new subscribers (serious yay!) who may not have read way back. And perhaps another installment of the catalog, if I’m feeling extra important.

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