They don’t have a topic for “Death and Dismemberment”, so I picked the next best thing, since I will discuss herein how I plan to return and watch my own funeral.
So as I’ve mentioned, I have a fear of death. I freak out at the thought of dying. I don’t know why that is. But I don’t really want to have my funeral be a sad occasion. I mean really, I’ll be pretty much a wax dummy (yeah, yeah emphasis on the ‘dummy’, I get it) in a coffin, right? What’s to cry over? I’m figuring that wherever I go, I will try to get a day pass to come back and do a little post-humus observation of the funereal proceedings.
My funeral would obviously have to be a grand affair. When I go out, I’m going out in style. Plus I’m obviously a huge celebrity so I would need to have it in a place where everyone would fit. I would need to have good food, too, otherwise I’d probably end up with people spitting in my coffin. Which although (as mentioned) I’ll pretty much be past caring at that point, the idea of slimy spit messing up my coffin is enough to make me want to provide good vittles for my loyal constituents.
I want a frickin’ party. Seriously. I want people to fucking celebrate. That’s how I lived my life, and that’s how I want to die my death. One big fat shiny happy drunked celebration. I want some celestial drunk dials from the Family von N and the LFB’ers. Without a doubt.
So obviously, I would need to have some bitchin’ songs. We’re talking, like, some seriously good tunes. At least, to me. My ultimate goal will be to depress everyone with my abysmal taste in music. I think the best part will be watching from whatever cloud I get elevated to, and seeing people trying to look serious while bitching me out in their heads for making them listen to this crap. It will be my way of reaching out beyond the grave for one last smack upside your heads.
So I compiled this list of songs that I hereby charge the Rocketman and Vi with making sure get played during my funeral services:
- “Baby Got Back” (Sir-Mix-A-Lot) – Because I do. And also because I can’t wait to see the faces of the conservatives in the crowd trying to keep unseemly disgust off their faces while listening to the dulcet tones of Sir-Mix-A lot announcing to the room at large how “Cosmo thinks she’s fat, but I ain’t down with that”. Plus he’s got this whole gangsta thing going on that I might finally find attractive once I’m dead.
- “Devil Went Down To Georgia” (Charlie Daniels Band) – Because this is one of my favorite karaoke songs that people never believe I can sing until they hear it. I especially want to see some hot chicks get up behind the podium and do the line dance from Coyote Ugly.
- “My Girl” (Al Green version) – Mostly because I can’t resist tugging on people’s heartstrings a little bit, and I love Al Green’s voice.
- “Closer” (Nine Inch Nails) – Come on. How frickin’ rad would my funeral be if I had this song blaring at top volume right after Rocketman reads his eulogy? Fuckin’ right. Nice followup to the tearjerker, too.
- “Ghost” (Indigo Girls) – I love the lyrics on this one. Plus, it’s kind of appropriate since I will be one.
- “You Can’t Touch This” (MC Hammer) – Come on. Like you’d want to? Hel-lo, I’m dead. But also: ain’t no one gonna follow this act.
- “Step-By-Step” (New Kids On the Block) – In honor of my very first pee-in-my-pants boy-band crush. Jon was my favorite. I just listened to the song and just about died right then and there. It’s a good thing I’m writing this, I suppose.
- “It Was An Absolutely Finger-Lickin’, Grits And Chicken, Country Music Love Song” (Bomshel) – Mostly because it has the line “my hair was all jacked up for Jesus” and talks about transvestites and cross dressers. It defies categorization. It’s me in a nutshell.
- “Betterman” (Pearl Jam) – Because everyone needs a reminder of the worst times in their lives.
- “Drops of Jupiter” (Train) – My all-time favorite song. It talks about taking a break and still coming back. I’d like to think that’s what will happen. Makes the “taking a break” part a little more palatable.
So party down, dudes.