lfb: a tale of two minds

2 comments

LFBThis of course will make more sense if you read the Police Report filed on Thursday morning. Even more sense if you read this blog about Oreos and the comments in this blog.


Monday, June 5, 2006

Dear Diary,

I had another one of my blackouts today. This is getting a little wierd, and frankly, I’m a little freaked out. I got home today after work and fed the cat like normal. I then lined up all my coasters on my coffee table as usual, turned all the dolls towards the TV and put on the Teletubbies, and pulled out the newspaper for my usual Monday night typo search. I had intended on writing one more letter to my dearest pen-pal Marc Broussard before I went to bed (writing the letter would put me up past my 8:00 bedtime, but you know, I was feeling a little daring. And plus, I know that one of these days he’s going to write back, he’s just busy right now. He’s very popular.) When the next thing you know, I wake up in a…a…I can’t even say it! One of those places with those women! You know, the ones that take their clothes off for money!

I can’t even say it without blushing. I had these ridiculous really high heeled boots on and some sort of swimsuit with a white pom pom attached to the back and there was some sort of sticky something on my knee. I was slumped over right next to this big, furry raccoon costume and there was grass in my hair. I’m like, totally freaked out. I got up and wiped off the sticky stuff (I tasted it, and it wasn’t syrup like I thought!) and I ran out of there. I feel so gross, I mean, there’s like, MEN in those places that like to look at women’s…PRIVATES there! I know it sounds crazy but my mom told me all about it. Places like that are the devil.

Tomorrow I’m going to go out and get one of those police scanners or something and see if there’s any reports of crazy people knocking out poor defenseless women and dragging them off to strip clubs. That’s the only explanation I can think of. I’m going to go pray.

Sincerely,

Sally Too Enn

Monday, June 5, 2006

Dear (censored) Diary:

Wht a (censored) load of (censored) crap!!! This whiny bithc thinks that someone dragged her uptight ass to a friggin’ strip club. How (censored) dum can she be? Like anyone would be intested in having furry-fetish-sex and (censored)with her. i about busted a gut when i read that she tasted that (censored)! HAHAHAHAHA! What a dumbass. Maybe next time i’ll leave her in the midle of a (censored censored) orgie. How much fun would that be?

i hav to make sure I meet Gimpy 2morrowe night. Ashole owes me some serious cash, and i’ll collect if i have to wring it out of his Oreo eating ass piece by piece. Hopefully i won’t forget.

(Censored) off,

(Censored) Too Enn

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

Dear Diary,

OMM! I am so freaked out! Today is like, the Devil’s Day! My mom called me this morning to make sure that I had all my garlic and horseshoes in place, which, duh, of course I do. Does she think I’m dumb or something?

I finished my letter to Marc today. Just writing to him makes me feel so much better, it’s like he’s the only one that truly gets me. I don’t know what I’d do without our relationship, it’s so special to me. I totally poured my heart out to him, I’m so glad he understands.

I don’t know who keeps breaking in and writing in my diary. It’s kind of creeping me out. I wish I knew who was doing it. They are just really really mean. My police scanner is working though. It scares me how much crime there is in the city, I almost don’t want to ever leave my apartment again. I think I’d better go pray some more.

Sincerely,

Sally Too Enn

Wednesday, June 6, 2006

Dear (Censored) (Censored) (Censored) Diary:

(Censored)! I met Gimpy like i was supposed to but he wanted to (censored), with ice cream and (censored). so of coarse I (censored) and (censored) and then i (censored) and he said (censored censored censored). So of coarse i had 2 (censored), which he din’t like very much. He tried some ninja (censored) but i (censored) and (censored) and grabbed his Oreos, and then i grabbed his (censored) and got the (censored) out of there. Someone came out and yelled something after me, of course i sed “(Censored) u!” and kept running. He’s lucky i din’t (censor) his ass. i thot i saw some stupid looking short guy in a green hat run out and (censored), but i turned the corner too fast.

(Censored). i didn’t even get my (censored) money!

Really (censored) off,

(Censored) Too Enn

Thursday, June 7, 2006

Dear Diary,

OMM! I feel like a celebrity! I got to report a real crime last night! I mean, a real one!

I had another blackout last night, and when I came to, I was sitting in my apartment in another of those ridiculous outfits. I’m actually starting to think they’re kind of cute. Anyway, I was wearing those boots, which are actually kind of sexy now that I think about it, and I had on this one glove that comes clear up to my elbow! There was a whip and these cute little pink and fuzzy handcuffs on the couch next to me, not sure where I got those from, or what they’re for, but I think I’ll keep them. Maybe I can figure out what they’re for.

So anyway, I was listening to the police scanner, admiring my white pom pom in the mirror, when I heard these voicesfrom outside the window! The cat went to go investigate, so I followed him to the window and looked out. There was this guy laying on the ground and it looked like he was covered with these round little black things! He had a couple sticking out of his mouth, and there was a glass of milk next to him, of all things!

Right below the window, I heard some people arguing but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I think they were talking about one of…you know…those places with those women because they were saying something about myspace (whatever that means) and saying something about dirty mouthy…I can’t say it. Maybe I can whisper…(hookers). Hee hee! I’m so bad.

Anyway, one of them yelled “(Bad word)! He ate all my Oreos!” and the other one said “Looks like his ninja skills didn’t help him much here, did it?” and then a third voice said, “Bastard. He even ate the Double Stuffed!”. Then I picked up the phone to call the police, because, you know, I was like, freaked out and stuff!

So this really nice police person showed up (Lieutenant LFB) and I got to tell him all about my experience! He kept looking at those boots, but I bet he thought they were really nice or something, I don’t think it was the whip or anything that was draped over them. I might have wanted to put that away.

Oh well! This is so exciting! I can’t wait to tell Marc all about it!

Maybe I should try out one of those places sometime. Maybe I could take my boots!

Sincerely,

Sally Too Enn

2 comments on “lfb: a tale of two minds”

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