lfb: making the most of it

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Once upon a time…

No. Scratch that.

This ain’t no regular fairytale, my friends.

This here’s the story of Ray. Ray was…well, we’ll just call him well-endowed.

In school, Ray was always picked on. He was too nervous to change in the locker rooms. The other boys beat him up out of sheer jealousy. He couldn’t get a date, not since the one time that he went a little too far with the girl everyone called Little Red, and she ran shrieking from the room. Word traveled fast in his school, apparently.

In sum, Ray was very lonely. He walked to school by himself, walked home by himself, watched tv by himself…you get the picture.

Eventually, Ray got older, and as he did so, he noticed that he was, well, extremely unique in the masculine member department. Instead of making him feel good, it just made him feel worse and worse. He just wanted to be like everyone else. Through middle school, into high school, he just kind of limped along, getting more and more depressed each day.

One day, he was walking along the road on his way home from school. It was autumn, and he was kicking the leaves as he walked along. The air was crisp, the sky was clear, it would have been a perfect day…had something bad not happened.

Everything would have been perfect, had something so unimaginable, unspeakable, something so incredibly awful not happened.

It was something really, really bad that happened.

When Ray came to, he was laying face down in a pile of leaves, and there was a big bug sitting right between his eyes.

“Hi!” piped a tinny voice. It seemed like it was coming from right next to his ear.

Surprised, he popped straight to his feet and looked around wildly. The bug went flying. He almost thought he could hear a tiny wail as it catapulted off his nose and landed with an audible splat in the leaves.

He waited, but heard nothing else.

Bewildered, he dusted off his pants and shirt. Completely dispirited now, he stretched out a foot in preparation to resume his trudge home, when he heard “HEY!” from the general direction of his descending shoe.

Barely stopping himself from completing the step, he lifted his foot higher, only to see the bug standing under it, waving its feelers in a frantic attempt to get Ray’s attention. Ray started in surprise, overbalancing and falling smack on his ass again in the pile of leaves. A leaf, floating from the tree above, lodged itself in his hair, but he paid it no attention as he gazed in consternation at this unusual creature.

“Well for Pete’s sake! That was close,” the bug exclaimed, hopping himself right up on the edge of Ray’s beat up sneaker. “Were you trying to squish me?”

Ray’s mouth worked, but no sound came out. What the hell was happening? The bug was oblivious to Ray’s attempts at communication, seating himself quite comfortably on Ray’s shoe and preening himself.

“So what we have here, is one depressed kid, huh? What a surprise. You kids think you have it soooo bad. I mean, so like, what, you have one hell of a manhammer in your pants? Ha ha! Get it? Manhammer?” The bug looked up at Ray hopefully. “Get it?…er. Oh. Okay. Ahem.” The bug shifted his gaze to the street. “Things could be worse, kid. For instance, you could be a dung beetle that talks. I mean, really, let’s get some perspective here. See, it’s like this. I’m your fairy dung beetle. George, actually, since we’ll be spending time together. I run around helping kids like you who feel like their lives are just shitty…(haha! Get it? Shitty? Okay.)…and help them get back on their feet.” Done with his preening, the bug (dung beetle? What?) hopped off his perch and set off down the street, his progress somewhat impeded by leaves, twigs and miscellaneous garbage lining the roadway.

“Um. Where are we going? What are you, really? How can you talk?” George let out a shriek and tipped right over the twig he was trying to climb. “It speaks!” He placed a melodramatic feeler against his chest plate once he regained his feet. “I thought we might have to do this the hard way, with hang signs and shit. HA! Shit!” The beetle doubled over, wheezing with laughter. Ray sighed. He could see where this was going to go already.

Wiping a few stray tears from his multifaceted orbs, the beetle straightened up and resumed his laborious way over a discarded bottle that had once contained water. “Clear and refreshing!” exclaimed the faded label.

Ray hadn’t yet taken a step. He could see that they were never going to get anywhere with this…George…trying to walk the whole way.

“Um, George? Why not, um, you know, like, ride my shoulder or something? I mean, you’ve made it like, six inches so far. Where are we going, anyway?” Ray bent down and offered his palm to the beetle. George inspected it carefully before finally deciding to climb aboard and allow himself to be deposited on Ray’s shoulder. Ray set off down the street, heading for home in the absence of clear direction.

As they walked along, George explained that it was his job to find kids, or in Ray’s case, young persons (one could never be too politically correct) that were at the bottom of their figurative barrels. He was supposed to help them feel better about themselves, and somehow magically turn them into productive, confident members of society. He figured that after the unspeakable bad thing had happened, that Ray was just ripe for the plucking.

When they reached Ray’s house, Ray was feeling a little bewildered, but more comfortable with George. He listened as George explained his ideas for helping Ray get over his embarrassment in regards to his…oversize pleasure mallet.

Ray was doubtful. Somehow he didn’t think that tying a knot in it would help. Nor would bending it backwards and tying a string around it. George, not having one himself, was full of impractical, painful solutions, and nothing that was making Ray optimistic that he would have a solution.

Ray and George hung out every day, and every day George’s ideas got more and more outlandish: attempting to make it shrink via the application of water and a significant amount of heat; spraypainting and wrapping it around his waist for a belt; using a tourniquet to get rid of the extra length, in hopes that the extra would just shrivel up and fall off…George’s ideas weren’t ideas for helping Ray, so much as ideas for torture, Ray thought to himself.

After a while, George started to get depressed. He spent his time railing at fate, at his lack of ability to help Ray. Suddenly, it was Ray consoling George, Ray boosting George’s self-esteem. Ray didn’t even have time to worry about his own problems.

At school, he started to relax, even talk a little more. All the counseling he was giving George was making him more confident in himself. He came out of his shell, began to make friends. Life was definitely looking better than it had been.

One day, on his way home from school, listening once again to George’s unending self-castigation regarding his failure to make Ray’s life better, Ray stumbled on a crack in the sidewalk. While he wasn’t paying attention, he ran smack into the tallest man he had ever seen in his life. Ray’s head came up to the guy’s stomach. As a result, he found himself staring at the man’s….well. He was eye level with something even more impressive than his own. His gaze traveled up, and up, and up…finally reaching the guy’s face. Ray flinched away. Whew! He was definitely not a lot to look at.

The man reached out a hand to steady Ray, catching a glimpse of Ray’s own…endowments.

His eyebrows raised.

“Watch out, you big brute!” George’s voice was shrill with indignation.

“Sorry, kid,” The man’s voice was deep. “That’s, um. Quite a package you got there.”

“Thanks,” Ray said, awkwardly. “I noticed the same thing about you. How, um. How do you learn to deal with it? It’s been nothing but a problem for me.”

The man’s eyebrows climbed even higher. “You mean you’re ashamed of your equipment? That won’t do, son, that won’t do at all.”

He leaned in close, his voice lowering to a whisper. “You ever hear of the…adult…industry?”

Ray was confused. “You mean, the one where everyone’s a grown-up?”

The man shook his head. “No, I mean the one where they make movies,” His voice lowering even further, “Adult movies.”

Ray’s eyes widened. “But that’s naughty!”

“Only for a little while, then you get used to it. And you can use your…” his gaze flicked to Ray’s crotch, “particular endowments to their best advantage.”

Ray pondered this. At last! He could actually make something good come out of this lifelong embarrasment! Women would actually go out with him! He would even have S-E-X with them! This was too good to be true!

He stuck out his hand. The man gripped it. “I’ll do it,” he said.

On his shoulder, almost forgotten, George shrieked. “I DID IT! I DID IT! I made it better!”

And with that, he popped out of sight.


Topic: Twisted Modern Fairytales

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