I am writing to express to you my deep disappointment…nay, excruciating frustration! with your demonstrated lack of commitment to the LFB standards of excellence, exactitude, and extraordinariness. You continue to be late with the topic postings, you have been sadly lacking in imagination, and I can only surmise that you are breaking apart at the seams.
I believe that the way to get you back on track is a swift kick in the ass, delivered by yours truly.
I have put a lot of thought into how exactly I will go about administering aforementioned punt in the nether regions of the blogging powerhouse that is LFB. A LOT of thought.
I am starting things off by torturing your exquisitely honed literary senses by making you read every Party blog that made it into the Top 50 Most Read Blogs. I will expect participation here, and yes, you have to read every last, imbecilically juvenile comment posted on every single laughably simplistic piece of garbage masquerading as a legitimately most-read “blog”.
I will then log into your account and send friend requests to every pornographic, “View My Webcam” bullshit profile out there. I want you to be swimming in fake boobs and asses that you can’t even talk to, because, well, you’re a blog group.
The next atrocity to assault your senses will be to be serenaded via comment by the best “poets” I can find on MySpaz. The worse, the better. I will personally select these abysmally non-talented rhymesters, looking for the most talentless, drunken, illiterate yet profuse persons out there. My aim is that every blog you post will have at least thirty comments on it from the same nine or ten blog-poets.
I would then of course wrap things up with the usual assortment of physical torments: mice and vegetable oil; ants and pure cane sugar; cedar splinters and bumblebees. Don’t even get me started about the mothballs, you seriously don’t even want to know.
That being said, please recall that I am a loyal LFB blogger and even though I’m late, I am still, without a doubt, committed to the cause.
(PS – I had an even better blog planned, but with the lateness of the topic posting, well, I ran short of time.)
Today’s topic: LFB has been slacking lately in the delivering of the weekly topics. How exactly will you punish them for their ineptitude?