what is sexy, anyway? (uh…better late than never…)

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Let me first say that this blog is totally overdue, being as I promised Ragu days and days ago to post this (mid LA trip) and have not yet. He then counted on me to post it and so posted his blog to which this was supposed to be a companion piece; however I’m lame and slacked off and now his piece is lonely and mine has a lot of making up to do. I totally let him down, so I’m really sorry, Ragu. And the rest of you too, that read his blog and have been waiting for this one.

So in a comment on one of my plus size blogs, Ragu offered to write a “What is Sexy” blog if I would. So he did, and now I am. 

Okay, so the topic is, what is sexy?

This is a little tougher than it sounds, because personal tastes differ widely, and, as everyone loves to remind me, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And it is. However, I think there are a few things that I can say in general that women find sexy, and then I’ll just spend the rest of the time talking about what *I* find sexy. Because, after all, this is my blog and it is all about me.


There are three components to sexiness. For me, I have to have a balance of both components, otherwise it doesn’t work.

Those components, of course, are physical attributes, personality, and values.

Physical Attributes
Since this kind of seems to be the hot button for most people, we’ll start with this one. Physical looks are important, at least for me, there’s no getting around that. Now, before you start yelling at me for being hypocritical, let me state that what might be attractive to me might not be attractive to someone else. Sometimes something in me physically responds to something in a man, and suddenly a guy who might otherwise be considered “average” ends up being a hottie. To me.

I think for most women, looks play at least somewhat of a part in terms of feeling attracted to a man. This doesn’t necessarily mean Brad Pitt looks; it just means that women typically need to find something physically appealing about the man in order to feel sexually attracted to him. That could be eyes, smile, arms, butt, lips, even hair. I think that women who say that they don’t care what a guy looks like are, to a certain degree, in denial. The reason I say that is that there is SOMETHING about the man that causes their heart to beat a little faster, whether it’s the way he looks at her, or the way his voice sounds, or the way he can hug her, or his fabulous arms or whatever.

To get specific to me, I generally like men that are taller than I am. Darker hair, usually dark eyes, but not necessarily. I usually like men to be bigger than I am, taller and stronger, and able to make me feel delicate. Which isn’t always easy. Ha ha.

I love a good smile. Teeth are important to me, and most women I know. So brush! Bad teeth can ruin a great smile. Just sayin’. I love guys who wear hats. A guy always looks cute in a hat, I think. I like arms. They don’t have to be body-builder arms, but I like feeling muscles. It goes back to the “bigger, stronger” thing. I like men who smile easily and like to laugh. Men who hoard their smiles and laughs are men that I wouldn’t probably have a good time with.

I like a deeper voice, generally. I like tattoos. I like piercings, in moderation. The way a guy dresses doesn’t matter much to me, as long as he can be appropriately dressed for nice occasions, like weddings or nice dinners and stuff. I like a man to smell good. He needs to take regular showers, I am definitely not a fan of body odor.

So basically, those are my physical preferences in a nutshell. Note that none of these things mean the man has to be an underwear model or have washboard abs or be in perfect shape. Most of these things can be acheived just by taking care of yourself and having a moderate amount of pride in your appearance. Not difficult. Taking care of yourself tells a woman that you’ll be able to take care of her, and that is totally sexy.

The sexiest personality traits are sense of humor and confidence. Being in charge. I don’t like to have to wear the pants in a relationship. It is a total turn on when a man takes charge and makes decisions, and just takes care of things when they need to be taken care of, instead of waiting for me to point it out or tell him what to do. It’s unbelievably sexy when a man is self confident enough to be “commanding” – not in a smack-your-bitch-up kind of way, but in the way that reassures me that he has things under control and is a stable individual. It makes me trust him more readily than a man who is erratic and irresponsible. Very sexy.

Sense of humor is huge too. I communicate using jokes and laughter, and I see the world through a filter of sarcasm and a sense of irony that I need to be able to share with a partner. When my sense of humor and my man’s are the same, it’s a great way for us to connect and a super turn on. So cultivate a sense of humor, because most women I know feel the same way. Plus, when I can make a guy laugh, like deep belly laugh, I feel like a goddess. And why wouldn’t you want to make your woman feel like a goddess?

Intelligence is also very sexy. A well-spoken (and written, incidentally) man is a huge turn on. One that can communicate with me without making everything into a joke, while at the same time being able to lighten the mood with a little well-placed humor. I can’t deal with a dumb man. Seriously.

This last category is so, so important. Values can make a man SO sexy. In the way that makes me think, I could be with this man for a long time. Long term. It’s also the category where if one of these elements are absent, then it’s totally a deal breaker. I have to be with someone who shares my value system, or else there’s no point.

In order, the most important values to me are integrity, passion, and compassion. There’s others, I have this whole list of values that comprise my own personal mission statement, but those are the ones I look for in a partner.

Integrity meaning, he needs to do the right thing. Just do what’s right. Tell the truth. Not the half truth, not the “oh I forgot” truth, not the “shades of gray” truth. The unvarnished, unadulterated truth. Even when he doesn’t have to – he does it because he can’t not tell the truth.

Secondly, he needs to have a passion for something. It doesn’t really matter what, if it’s me, well, then, all the better. But something, an interest outside of himself that he is committed to. Passionate about. Something he can teach me or show me or that gets him up in the morning.

Compassion. I don’t want a weenie, okay? I don’t need someone so sensitive that they cry at any cross word or sideways look. But I need a man that has at least a general sense of compassion for his fellow human beings. Someone who will stick up for me, or for someone else if they see them being treated poorly. A guy who can appreciate something sweet, or sad, or heartwarming. Crying is okay, by the way, as long as it’s not all the time. Which I’m sure is the same for women – dudes don’t mind if we cry, as long as it’s not 24/7. Right?

Anyway. This has gone on long enough. But I hope this reassures you men that women are not all about looks. Or washboard abs. There’s a whole other blog I could do about what’s sexy in bed, maybe we’ll save that for next time Ragu wants to do a conjunction blog. Woot!

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