show me the money!

I’m totally jacking Dabi’s lottery idea because I got all excited reading his thinking about what I’d do with $131 million dollars. He asks at the end what we’d (as his readers) do with a lottery jackpot like that, and I think he meant in comments, but there’s so much I’d do that I need to do my own entire blog. Plus, as I have been reminded lately, I have been too stingy with the bloggity goodness, so here goes:

As Dabi rightly observes, if I won $131M, the government would confiscate at least 50%. That leaves, as he noted, 64M. Give or take.

I’m pretty sure that I could clear up ALL my debt, including paying off my house, completely renovating it, and either selling/giving it to one of my friends for dirt cheap, or, if none of them wanted it, as would be likely since I live on a busy street, I might just keep it empty. I don’t know that I’d sell it, because really, this is my frist house and I am quite proud of that, so I’d prolly keep it till I got tired of paying the utilities on it.

So let’s say, $20,000 for all my bills (which is a TOTALLY generous estimate, and includes paying off my crap car) and, oh, $250,000 for paying off my house and the massive renovation. So now, I’ve spent like, what, $270,000? I’d then set myself up with a massive trust & retirement fund, like $100,000 per year and like $5M for when I turn 45. So let’s say $100,000 x 70 + $5M = $12M. I think I’m going to pass out.

Now, because I don’t like the idea of just giving money to my son, because I want him to value it, I’d set up a trust fund for him that only did a payout of like, I dunno, ten or twelve grand a year starting with his 25th birthday. I would set aside like $100,000 for college in addition to that, so let’s say that’s 12,000 x 80 (to be on the safe side, you never know how long he’ll live with all these scientific advancements we’re making here) = $960,000, plus the college, we’ve got $1.06M plus my stuff is $13.3M so far.

Okay so now I’m squared away and he’s squared away, so I’d make sure about my family next. My grandparents have a beautiful house in the country that I’m sure they’d want to keep, so I’d just make sure that it was paid off and taken care of, and because they’re way too old to work and have spent the better part of their lives taking care of everyone else, I’d set up something for them where they got like $10,000 a month from now till they’re gone. I don’t even want to estimate how long that would be, but let’s say that’s another 15 years (scientific advancements, remember?), so that’s 10,000 x 12 x 15 = 1.8M. I’d also fix their car that my sister crashed (grrrr) and buy them a new minivan, because I swear to you, they’re driving the same one that I used to fall asleep in during road trips when I was a kid. Let’s call that another $60K. Then I’d give them a nice $2M lump sum so that they could take their dream vacation and go travel around the world. So for grammie and grampie: $3.86M. I’m now down to $46.8M.

Moms would get a house. Something modest, I think, I don’t think she’d want anything huge or extra-vagant, so I’d say a nice house somewhere in Seattle if she wanted, or wherever. Given the property costs right now there, I’m allowing $1.5M for that. She’s living in an apartment currently, so there’d be no house payoff there, but I would pay for a cleaning service once a week from now till the end of time, forever and ever, amen. So that’s 1.5M + cleaning service, what, $200 a week? x 52 x 30 = 312,000. So house for moms and cleaning service (trust me it’s necessary); 1.8M. We’re now at $45M.

After moms, there’s a brother and two sisters that need some help here. Oldest sister would get a very small amount, because I can’t be sure what she’d do with it. I also really want her to work for herself, so I’d probably buy her a serviceable car, set up a trust fund for her kid, and a trust fund for her to go to college, and that would be about it. So that’s what, $30,000 for the car, $200,000 for her kid, and $100,000 for her to go to school (which I know is a high estimate, but hey I’ve only spent $5M so far). $330K.

For my second sister, I have more confidence in what she’d do with any money I gave her, so she’d get a car too, as well as a monthly stipend but only until she was done with college, because you bet your ass she’d be going. You hear that, sis? College! So let’s say $330K for her too.

My brother is being responsible, which is great. I’d give him $330K too. Maybe I’d buy the house we grew up in and let him live there or something. Maybe with my sister if she wanted to. Anyway, that’s like maybe another $500K, so let’s say now I’ve spent $330K on each sibling plus the $500K for the house, so that’s $330K x 3 + 550K = $1.5M.

I don’t know what PVDD’s familial needs are, but let’s take $6M and get his dad and his sis & family squared away. We’re down to 37.5M, give or take a few hundred grand.

However, now everyone is taken care of, or at least helped, for the rest of their lives. They might still need to work, but they’ll have houses and cars and all that good stuff. Now for the fun part. I think me and PVDD should split the rest, although we’ll end up doing most of the stuff together I think. That’s $18.7M a piece.

The first thing we do is take a trip around the world. We’re visiting Italy, Greece, England, Scotland, Ireland, France, and hell, why not, Amsterdam. I don’t know whether this is PVDD’s cup of tea but I’m sure he’d be okay with it. We’d wind up in Jamaica or some other Caribbean island for a month or two before heading to Brazil and Puerto Rico on our way up to Alaska. Then we’d spend at least six months touring the Motherland, though we might leave out Quebec. Fuck ’em. I have absolutely no clue what that would cost, but let’s just say, $3M. Top hotels, first class all the way, awesome restaurants in every city. Plus we might buy a timeshare somewhere, so we’ll go with the $3M. That leaves me $15.7M.

Once we get back from my massive trip, we’ll say that took a year, I’m buying a house. I don’t really like new homes. I like houses with character that have been around a while, and it MUST be on the water. There’s a ton of places out here that would be perfect like that, I’m pretty sure it’d be easy to drop a couple million on a place like that, so now I’m down to $13.7M.

Next – cars. I would want an old car, I think, a Nova or Chevelle all pristine and beautiful with some sort of torqued up engine that has more power than I even know how to describe adequately, and then I would get my jeep. With a hard top and a soft top, maybe one of those newfangled four door numbers. I’m assuming PVDD would do something fun with his half, so these cars would be mine. We’ll go with $60,000 for those. Maybe I’d splurge and get a convertible Mercedes or something, so we’ll go with $100,000. $13.6M.

So now we have vacation, cars, and a house. What else?

Charity? I’d give a couple million to breast cancer research. Maybe a couple million to whatever foundation is researching life expectancy or something. Let’s say $4M to charity and research, that leaves me $9.6M.

Since my house is on the water, I’m thinking a boat is in order. How about a yacht? Why not. I want to be able to go on trips just me and the Kid and PVDD though, so it can’t be too extravangant. I think $1M should be enough for that. $8.6M.

Next I’d have to fund Barbcue’s MySpaz/LFB trip. I have no idea what that would cost, but let’s say $750,000 for the bus, hotels, food, whatever. I hope that’s enough. Then, of course, all the LFB bloggers would have to take the time off of work, so we’ll give them each $100K. That’s 1.3M for time and $750K for trip, so that’s 2.05M, leaving me with 7.6M.

Last but certainly not least, I’d have to give at least a mil each to each of the members of the Family von N. I would have to, for putting up with me for so long. So that’s another 3M, we’re down to 4.6M which suddenly doesn’t seem like very much anymore. Maybe I’d give my mom another million or two, and put the rest in savings.

I feel so vanilla.

How about you?

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