I have been pondering many deep and interesting things today. Being that we are all interested to hear these deep and drug-inspired ponderings, I have made them into a list specifically for your reading enjoyment:
Item 1: I love everyone and everyone loves me. Except for the dogs, I am very angry at them this morning. See Item 2.
Item 2: The Dogs are canine reincarnations of Houdini. Otherwise, how can I explain how, upon leaving the house I shut the bedroom door only to return and find a LARGE PUDDLE OF PEE on my bed? Hmmm? When we examine the facts, we can see that:
- a) the door was shut upon returning home.
- b) the cat was outside, waiting to be let in.
- c) The window, which angles inward to the room, was open.
- d) my comforter cover now needs to be washed AGAIN and Febreze is the BEST at getting rid of pesky urine smells from mattresses.
So how did the pee get there? I have several theories right now:
- The dogs have grown opposable thumbs and can now open and close doors at will. I am feeling the need to hide all my… ahem… gadgets, seeing as the Dogs are drawn to deconstructing electronic devices specifically.
- The tweekers from next door unhinged my window, climbed into my bedroom, peed on my bed, climbed back OUT the window, and somehow re-hinged the window from the outside.
- Aliens beamed in and peed on my bed. Why? I have no idea but I sure would like to hear what they have to say for themselves.
- I, in a drugged out stupor, hallucinated the entire leaving and returning to the house event, instead peeing on my own bed and then forgetting I did it, so that I could have something to blame on the Dogs.
I feel certain that any and/or all of the above are perfectly logical solutions. They have to be, since I can’t think of any OTHER reason how this could have happened.
Item 3: The karma of my life is such that, on the hottest day of the year so far, I have a gimp knee and can’t go drive the Jeep with the top down. Karma must be the one thing that DOESN’T love me (refer to Item 1).
Item 4: Sweet N Salty Peanut Butter Bars are very very very good when you’re high.
Item 5: Do not eat macaroni salad that has been sitting out all day. I hear it can get you very sick and then you may need to take Alka Seltzer which tastes worse than ass.
Item 6: I really need to work on thinking before I speak, or email, or text. Basically before I communicate in any fashion whatsoever except for blogging. In regards to blogging, I need to think LESS before I communicate. That being said, I had a kerfluffle this morning where I responded to a work email in haste and ended up creating a bit of an issue for my boss and various business owners. In my anxiety to appear on top of the situation I ended up making myself look dumber. It’s kind of par for the course this week, but seriously. I could do without being fired for being a dumbass. I do, however, like to affectionately refer to my business owners as “BOs”.
Item 7: I really would like some gummy worms right now.
Item 8: It never, ever fails, that on beautiful Friday afternoons, I will not only be gimpy and unable to drive (refer to Item 3) but ALSO not be able to stop work on time because of last minute issues. Never. Fails. Now I had to work most of the way through my lovely Percoset buzz and my head is about to plant itself onto the keyboard.
So on that note, I bid you all adieu and I am off to take a nap. Loves and mushes and stuff!