uuughhhhh…i hate this

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Hard conversations are…hard.

No matter how many times I think I’ve gotten good at saying the difficult things over the years, I’m constantly reminded that this is not something I’m really good at. I try to be, and I want to be, but…I’m really not.

My problem, I think, is that I worry too much about hurting the other person’s feelings, or how they will react. It makes me nervous before I even start talking. And the bad thing about that is, I’m already reacting to their reactions before they’ve even had them yet.

So mostly I just kind of…avoid anything that would trigger that conversation. I end up pretending everything is fine until one day, I just kind of…lose my shit.

In my case, I avoid way too much. I would almost rather not say anything at all than say something that risks damaging someone I care about.

What I realized recently is that sometimes, the other person needs to hear what I have to say even if I don’t want to say it, even if it’s tough. Sometimes even though I don’t want to, I need to say things that might hurt the other person because, in the long run, hearing the bad things now is worse than heading down the wrong path because you don’t have all the information.

It’s not like I have this problem at work. It’s only when there’s, like…feelings…involved that I have a hard time just laying it on the line and telling it like it is. I don’t know why the idea of someone being hurt by what I have to say is so abhorrent to me, but it’s what makes me usually keep my mouth shut.

I read a book called Fierce Conversations a few times, through a training class at work. It was amazing. Hard as it is to believe, I used to be even worse before I read it. While I’m still not great at these types of conversations, I am miles better than I used to be. Maybe it’s time for a re-read.

So, new resolution, even though it’s not New Years.

Be brave, and just fucking say it.

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