rocking the boat

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Just the other day I was super stoked at having posted almost every day for like, over a month and now I’ve gone almost two weeks without posting much of note.

So for that, I apologize.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks, lately. I had hoped that blogging about it would help, but I can’t seem to find the words that I want to use without kind of spilling too many of my guts out across the internets. Which kind of sucks, because that’s kind of the reason I have this blog in the first place, but I think there is a line there and I’m not sure I want to go across it just yet.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships, what makes them start, what makes them keep going, and what makes them end.

I feel like I’m good at the starting, but I don’t have the right staying power, or something. And I’m certainly not great at endings. I don’t really know. Maybe the problem is I don’t have a clear enough vision of what I want in a man, let alone what I want in a relationship. How can I keep something going when sometimes I don’t even know for sure what it is that I want?

And sometimes…sometimes I beat myself up for not sticking with something even though I feel in my heart that it’s not the right thing for me. I second guess myself like, “Well is it just because I’m not feeling good/mad/sad/bored/out of sorts today?”

Or my favorite: “Is it because I’m PMSing, in, or just after that time of the month?” which is interesting, because those three periods of time account for about 95% of my life.

I feel like by leaving something when my heart isn’t 100% in it is like saying that I’m giving up too easily, or like I’m a quitter, or letting someone down. Or worse, that I owe it to the other person and by not gritting my teeth and sticking it out, that I’m failing them…and myself…in some way. I worry more about whether the other person feels okay, and try to protect them by not rocking the boat, by not acting when I feel like I should.

But what about me? Isn’t there a time when I can decide that something isn’t right for me, and feel like that’s okay? Why does it make me feel so damn guilty?

I have such a hard time making big sweeping life-changing decisions because I think to myself, “What if I’m wrong?” The bad thing about that is, I’ve forgotten that it’s okay to fail sometimes. It’s okay to mess up, it’s okay if things don’t go as expected or exactly how you thought they would. Sometimes, they just kind of go as they are. Sometimes, there’s not much you can do about it but to take a breath, reset, and try again tomorrow.

So, that’s what I’m trying now. I’m taking a breath, resetting, and I’m going to try again tomorrow.

After my morning coffee, of course.

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