pesty pets

still lost…but i have theories!

Sometimes no news is good news.

But mostly, no news just sucks.

Still no word on The Dog. No one has seen hide nor hair of him, though several neighbors report seeing him (or a dog like him) running around in the neighborhood as recently as two days ago. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during this search, though, it’s that there are a lot of missing “black lab type” of dogs. Second only to pit bulls and, if you can believe it, chihuahuas.



So I don’t even know if the dog they’re seeing is actually him.

I’ve got a number of working theories regarding where in the actual fuck he has gone. Here are some of my favorites:

  1. Alien abduction. In this scenario, he’s been abducted by friendly, non-dog-eating aliens that just want to investigate prime examples of (Wo)Man’s Best Friend. He’ll be (safely) examined and returned back to my doorstep within 1-2 business weeks.
  2. Toga party. Here he’s just been distracted by all his college-doggy buddies and they’re drinking it up (water, of course) while clad in white sheets and leaves.
See? He's a college fan.
See? He’s a college fan.
  1. Extended detective trip. You may have read about the previous adventures (story 1 and story 2) of The Dog while searching for his missing owner. I’m not actually missing so this one doesn’t hold much water, and it was all a fictional story anyway, but I’m fond of imagining him traipsing down the road someplace in the company of a very cranky cat, on a mission to find me and bring me home.
  2. Karaokeing. I only say this because this is what I would do. Anyone who has been on a conference call with me or in my house when a siren goes by knows that my dog loves to sing. I can (sort of) see him heading out for karaoke and just losing track of time. For a week and change.
  3. Homeward Bound. Yes, I know. It was a feel-good family story about a group of pets that found themselves hundreds of miles away from their loving family and the story of them traveling cross country and still finding their family is not only way too sickeningly sweet but also highly improbable, but it could happen. And maybe he somehow got transported far away and is on his way back, again in the company of a cat, but this time a very friendly and smart Siamese that will then become part of my extended pet family. It could happen.
Ignoring my creamsicle hair. this is how small he used to be.


I’m not losing hope though. There are all kinds of stories where pets are reunited with their families weeks, months, even years after being lost. He’s out there somewhere (abducted by aliens or not), all he needs to do is just come home. Or have someone point him in the right direction.

In reality, I’m preferring to think that he’s safe and warm in someone’s home, who either doesn’t want to give him up because he is a prime example of (Wo)Man’s Best Friend (see theory #1) or because they’re not sure how to use technology at all, i.e. the internets, and have completely missed all the online postings of his disappearance. Also never goes to Starbucks, or the park, or the grocery store, or the vet, and never thought of taking him to a shelter.

It’s better than dwelling on the alternative which means he’s wandering around cold and hungry without even a cranky cat for company, or hurt or even dead somewhere.

I’d rather not think of that at all.


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