I’m pretty sure that trying on swimwear is God’s lingering punishment against women for the sins of Eve way back at the beginning of the world.

Seriously.

The day before I left for Vegas, I found myself without a key piece of vacation wear: a swimsuit.

So I (reluctantly) headed to my local department store to see if they have anything remotely 2N-style (and, incidentally, 2N-sized).

Now, I’ve never been the type really to wear two pieces, and I really like the retro look. I’m in the store, and I’m trying on a variety of retro-looking one pieces and finally settle on a black and white polka-dot (of course) swimsuit. I was feeling okay because in my head, I look like this (and this is actually almost exactly the suit I bought, but the dots are smaller):

image from this site.

But then I happen to actually look in the mirror and this is what I actually look like:

Photo: ALAMY. Found on this site.

I did try to find a cute picture of a pig in a swimsuit…but, well, that’s just one Google search I never want to do again.

Really, it’s not that bad. And my friend and I did decide that to do something nice for ourselves, when I get back from Vegas we’re going to get dressed up in our best pinup makeup and take nice, sexy pictures of ourselves in our swimsuits so we don’t feel quite so much like barnyard rejects in undersized swimwear.

I have to remember: it’s time to just put a bikini on my body.

So cheers to that.

OINK!