So, Cosmo.

Cosmo tells me, in their July issue, that dudes love bitches.

Now, my first reaction on reading this:

Only if they’re dumbass assholes.

My second reaction:

What is attractive about a bitch?

So I read. It appears that a bitch, in the context of this article, means a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to speak up. One that holds out for the things that she requires or needs, whether in a job, at a restaurant, or in a relationship. She’s worth it and she knows it. She has confidence and self-assurance.

Now tell me. What of the above is bitchy? Because when I think “bitch”, I think Jerry-Springer-style fishwife. Seriously. The woman who throws dishes at her boyfriend, the one who cheats on him, treats people like shit, doesn’t care about other people’s feelings, basically the type of mean, frizzy person that I wouldn’t like at all. (Thirty cool points if you know what that’s from.)

Okay. Now, with those definitions, it would appear that dudes like chicks that are strong-willed and independent, and don’t take any crap. Okay, so it would appear that they finally have yanked their heads out of their collective asses. (Male readers: please realize that I am generalizing the fuck out of the male gender for the purposes of commenting on this article and I obviously love you all dearly.)

So basically, they are exhibiting…gasp! Common. Fucking. Sense. Holy shit.

So here’s my issue – the article is basically meant to be an instruction manual for all the spineless female jagoffs out there (again, generalizing, sorry) that can’t land a man since they’re not a “bitch”. It gives all kinds of tips and tricks on simulating the bitchiness vibe that dudes are so apparently into. So really, the bottom line is, “Here’s how to change yourself into a strong, independent seeming woman so that dudes will dig you more.” The article advises our tragic female counterparts to “give a little, then pull back.” “Don’t be all over him the day after you sleep together for the first time.” “Don’t make yourself available all the time.”

Is it just me? Or does that sound a whole lot like a big instruction book on how to play games?

Here’s the bottom line: your personality, who you are is just, plain, who you are. In my experience, when you’re with the right person, you’ll be the right person, no pretending needed. I hate these types of advice articles because it seems like they’re advising women to mold themselves into something they are not in order to snag a dude.

Here’s a funny thought: The right person for you will appreciate you even if you’re not a bitch. Even if you’re easy-going and even if (GASP!) you’re available when he calls. He will even (HOLY SHIT!) not take you for granted if you call him first, or if you ask him out first.

My advice: Rules are bullshit. If you’re not just being who you are, then you’re getting a guy to fall in love with someone you are not, and it will end eventually when he figures that out. Tips and tricks to snag a dude just seem so…false…to me.

To get (somewhat) back to the partial inspiration for this blog: I have been informed recently that a) I am too accomodating; and b) I am not a bitch.

After reading this article, I am disturbed. Does this mean that I am sentenced to a life without a man who appreciates my non-bitchiness? Should I up the bitchiness quotient a bit in order to snag the type of guy who likes a woman to throw things at his head?

I think not.

The fact is, I’m an easy-going person. I get hyped up by some things, but if I haven’t unleashed on you, it’s probably because you haven’t pushed a hot button yet. You can ask any member of the Family von N, I have a definite and obvious temper at times. It’s all in the hot buttons. Suprisingly enough, I don’t have very many. Maybe this makes me too nice, or a pushover or something. I prefer to think of it as being low-maintenance. For example:

• Don’t ever lie to me. Ever. You will not like the result. I would always, hands down, always prefer the straight-up, honest truth.
• Don’t take me for granted. I love doing nice things for people, I like the gratitude. Does that sound wierd? Not in the way like I like to get people indebted to me, but in the sense that I like knowing that I helped someone out, that I was useful. But all that will immediately cease and desist when I suspect that I will no longer get a “thank you” or that the nice things I do are “expected”. This includes assuming I will pay for shit. Sounds wierd, but I get that a lot. I don’t mind at all when it’s a “I’ll get this since you got dinner” or something, but when it’s all the time…eck. I love buying a round…just not when it’s “expected” that I will.
• Don’t ask me to do things like fetch you a beer while you’re sitting on the couch. I like to do for myself (which is very difficult with this fucking arm, but that’s another blog) and I am quite sure that you can get off your ass and get the thing you needed without my intervention. Let me do it for you every once in a while of my own volition, but do not ask me to be your little errand-girl. Please note that this does not include favors or things of the helpful variety as described in item 2. Please also note that in completely contradictory 2N style, I absolutely adore being spoiled…as long as you know damn well I could do it myself. Except when I can’t (like currently).
• Don’t trash my friends. ‘Nuff said.
• Don’t talk to me like I am stupid. I am not. You will either know that and treat me with respect; or you will not and I will leave. Simple!
• Don’t try to pressure me into doing something that I don’t want to do, for whatever reason. Especially if it goes against something I beleive in, but even if it’s just because…I don’t fucking feel like it. Period.
• Don’t tell me you’ll do something or make extravagant plans and then not follow through. I fucking *hate* that. I understand that plans change and cancellations happen, and sometimes something you thought would work ends up not working out, but for God’s sake, at least acknowledge that you’re flaking out, or whatever.

And that’s really it. I have things that are pet peeves in relationships and stuff, but nothing worth getting my panties (when I happen to be wearing them) in a bunch. I pretty much go with the flow, if I like you, you’ll know it, without this “pretend to be unavailable” bullshit. If I have something to say, I say it. At length, sometimes. If I feel like touching you, and I feel like you’d touch me back, I will. If I feel like calling you, I will.

I apologize a lot, because I like to be considerate. It’s like saying, “oh, excuse me”. It doesn’t mean I don’t mean it. For God’s sake, when I do say I’m sorry because I really fucked up, all you have to do is say, “Thank you.”

I laugh a lot, and I smile, and I’m quick to forgive someone who apologizes, as long as they mean it. Little shit doesn’t matter to me. It’s the big stuff I care about.

If that makes me undateable, then so be it. But I suspect that there are some out there that appreciate this stuff, because it’s how I am. And that’s a very cool feeling.

I have way more blog material from Cosmo, but I’ll stop here since it got a little out of hand. Sorry. It happens when you haven’t blogged for a week.