Okay, okay okay OKAY! I know I’ve posted four blogs today, and I’m really sorry but I have to get this last one out of my system. Then I swear I’ll leave you alone for the next few days. Promise.

I’m talking religion here. If hearing certain religious views challenged (or really, downright degraded) is disturbing to you, please feel free to close this window, and I promise I won’t even feel bad.

Well thank GOD. Apparently, God thinks lesbianism is okay.

See here for proof.

I really want to thank Leslie for her awesome blog that mocks this article much more eloquently and efficiently (and less offensively) than I can. The article she linked to definitely pushed a button with me, so I had to do a much more clumsy and ultimately more offensive blog of my own.

Folks, I know I said I don’t discuss religion in my blog, and I will probably regret this tomorrow, I know. To be clear, yes, I’m one of those assholes that considers herself “spiritual” rather than “religious” which is really just a spiffy way of saying that I beleive in God but I don’t know in what aspect. I talk to God. I tell Him stuff. I thank Him when things go well and I thank Him for the challenges when things go badly.

That doesn’t mean that I think the Bible is transcribed directly from his brain (soul? ether? fluffcloud?) into a nifty little leatherbound book, honestly I don’t. If you do, that’s cool.

But I digress.

Check out that link, then come back here and see if you agree with my assessment that at times people go WAY too far in justifying what they would like to do by finding a supposed “loophole” in the “rules” laid out in this most comprehensive and cohesive (ahem) guidebook to life on “how to be” if you want to “go to heaven”.

Not only does this nifty article describe the situations in which a Christian threesome is okay, it also makes some stellar references to the “female role”, as in, “as long as these women remain within the boundaries of the female role prescribed by Scripture“, and “we believe that what Paul is referring to when he speaks of women going against nature is not female homosexuality per se, but rather the reversal of sexual roles that goes against the natural order established by God.”

So tell me (and here is a part of the main beef I have with organized religion) what is, exactly, the “female role as described in Scripture”?

According to this article, the “female role” includes “submitting to the authority of the men in their lives” and it talks about how the rules governing threesomes are particularly hard on the man, since he not only shouldn’t have sex with the wife’s lesbian partner if she’s married, but he also shouldn’t even think about having sex with her.

Gee, the poor guy.

In order for a wife to safely participate in a threesome, both women must “keep within traditional female roles (i.e., not taking on masculine appearance or behavior in or out of the bedroom)” and “recognize the male as the leader in the relationship.”

Can I puke now?

The worst thing is, is that this whole trumped up piece of tripe is totally contrived to excuse a man and a woman who want to have a threesome but fear that it goes against God’s Will…in other words, a complete justification of something that they have a guilt complex about, but with enough searching and interpretation of the RULE BOOK, they can come up with enough justification to say, oh LOOK! We can have a threesome, and REALLY, God WANTS us to!

(This is not at all to indicate that I personally think threesomes are wrong, or even un-Christian. For the record.)

Fortunately, there is also clarification surrounding Gods Will as it pertains to Oral Sex (by the way, women, if you’re not swallowing, you’re sinning), Anal Sex, Viagra, (oh thank heavens!) masturbation, and newly added for the faithful, even an article about how fisting is actually an act of faith. All conveniently justified and supported so that all the fun-loving but faithful Christians that publish this stuff can go to bed at night feeling safe in the knowledge that their cum-swallowing, anal-sex having, threesome-participating asses are still going to heaven.

By the way, “its important to note that these passages say nothing about masturbation being sinful simply that you must ritually cleanse yourself after ejaculating. So keep some tissues, paper towels, or wet wipes handy when you masturbate.” Just in case you needed that little gem, there it is. Oh, and one more for you, regarding the matter of anal sex and women: “having anal sex allows her to preserve her virginity (i.e., maintain an intact hymen) until marriage. There is no greater gift that a bride can give than to offer her pure, unsullied maidenhead to her husband on their wedding night.” But it’s okay that she’s gone ahead and let some dude violate her…um…okay, let’s not be crass here. I’d also like to point out that while it is clearly okay for the man to receive oral sex from the woman, really not a lot of mention is made on whether it is okay for the woman to receive same from the man. So in all probability, I’m a sinner, several times over. This week alone.

The only thing that is saving me from completely trashing Christianity when reading something like this is that I know not all Christians think this way. It makes me sick, literally, to read stuff like this and know that some women out there buy into it. The same way that Muslim women are treated, with their head veils and having to cover all their skin, and basically having to be ashamed that they had the bad grace to be born with a vagina instead of a penis.

Give me a fucking break, people.

God is all about free will, isn’t He? So why is it that so much of organized religion is all about “traditional female roles” and women having to be submissive to men in all aspects of their lives (if they want to go to heaven, that is.) That is so disappointing to me, because it is judgemental, and ignorant, and completely negates what I beleive God is about, which is love, doing the right thing, and living your life to the best of your ability. Being kind to people. Treating others with respect and compassion. Recognizing and celebrating the flare of human spirit and humanity and love, wherever and however it occurs.

It’s not about finding ways around the rules so you can have a fucking threesome and still go to heaven.