What day is it? Thursday! What does that mean?

LFB!!!

Today’s topic was difficult: Woman gets pregnant and won’t give the guy a say. The twist this time, was that the LFB ladies had to write from a man’s perspective and the men from a woman’s point of view. Talk about interesting!

It was like a punch in the gut, a slam upside the head, a slap in the face, and a kick to the shins all at once. It even took a moment for the statement she’d just made to register:

“I’m pregnant.”

You’re what? I wanted to ask her. I wanted to shake her. How could this happen? She’d said she was taking the pill! How could I have been so goddamned stupid?

Now here she is, calmly looking at me from across the table like she hasn’t just delivered a one-two blow to both my future and my trust in her. I’m stunned. Absolutely stunned.

Let me back up a minute. I met Cheryl back in ’03. At the time, she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Classy, sophisticated, smart. Everything that your average Joe dreams about but never thinks he can get. Then he does get her, and realizes that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

At first, our relationship was a dream. She’s hot, she’s fantastic in bed, she’s smart…it was easy to overlook the high maintenance issues and the crying jags and the way that her perfect, polished exterior hid the most awful self esteem you’ve ever encountered in your life. Talk about walking on eggshells! It was like walking on a mine field with her!

Still, though, I stuck it out for as long as I could. I mean, hey, I was getting regular sex (as long as she wasn’t pissed off at me), a warm body at night, plus all my friends were insane that she was into me.

But, you know, a guy can only take so much. So a couple of months ago I decided enough was enough and I needed to end it. Which is when, suddenly, she did an about-face. No more screaming. No more yelling, no more temper tantrums. It was like she was a whole different person.

And now…this.

“Well aren’t you going to say anything?” she asks me. My head sinks into my hands, because at that very moment, I don’t feel capable of holding it up. I’m seeing hospitals, and screaming babies, and clothes and toys strewn all over, and weight gain, and breast feeding, and…and…cages.

“What would you like me to say, Cheryl? How about, ‘What about the pill?’ How about, ‘how could you do this to me, to us?’ How about, ‘What the fuck were you thinking, you crazy bitch?'” I’m not even sure where all this anger is coming from, but suddenly I am purely, 100%, completely angry with her. Absolutely infuriated. Here she is, sitting here calmly at my dining room table, announcing that she’s changing my world and she wants to know what I am going to say about it?

“I’m sorry, John.” Oh, the insincerity. Sickening. “I didn’t feel like I had any other recourse. You were planning to leave me. You were planning to walk away from me. Well, I’ll tell YOU something, Mister-I-Don’t-Want-To-Be-With-You-Anymore, no one walks away from me. No one! We are going to have this baby, and you are going to be involved, whether you like it or not. I didn’t want to have to go this far, or take these measures, but you just can’t see what’s best for you, can you? You just can’t see that I’m the best thing that ever happened to you, and it’s time you settled down, straightened up, and flew right! You left me no choice!”

With every word spilling from her mouth, my amazement is growing in proportion with the distance that my jaw is dropping. This is even worse than I thought. This chick is fucking balls-out, absolutely fucking nuts. Nuts! What the fuck is happening?

“Cheryl.” I’m trying to keep my voice calm, now that I know I am dealing with a crazy person. “Don’t you see how insane this is? How can you think that I would stay with you after you have done something like this to me? How can you think this would keep us together? Is there something in your twisted mind somewhere that thinks that you love me? Because this is not something you do to someone you love. And what about this kid, this kid we have created? What about it? You have caused a life to be born, for no better reason than to stop someone from leaving you. To prove a point. To make someone sorry for ever thinking about leaving you. You are a horrible person, Cheryl. A horrible person. And no matter what you thought this was going to fix between us, it has fixed nothing. We are so done, so finished that it’s like we never even STARTED, we are so done.”

She starts to draw breath to speak, and her eyes are flashing dangerously, but I am plowing on.

“If you continue with this crazy idea of having this kid, well, yes I will do my part in raising it. I will be a father to it. I will teach it to ride bikes and play games and teach it what taking responsibilities seriously is really like. In fact, I might just challenge you for the custody. You are obviously an unfit mother if you think that this is the right way to bring a life into this world. You disgust me. I can’t even look at you. Get the hell out of my house.”

I’m breathing heavy, I am SO angry. I’m pretty sure that if she opens her mouth one more time, I will punch it. I get up, I go to the door, and I open it. I gesture silently for her to just walk through it. She remains at the table for a moment, just staring at me, then finally gets to her feet and approaches me. I turn my head away, just waiting for her to leave. She reaches her hand up to my face, but I can’t stand her touch, so I jerk away. She lets her hand drop, and says quietly, “I never meant it to be this way. I’m sorry. I…I…did love you. I only did this out of love. Can’t you see that? I love you and want you with me always. It will work out, you will see. You’ll see this baby and want to come back to me, I just know it. I’ll wait for you, baby. I’ll wait, however long it takes.” With each word of this fantasy she’s spinning out and pulling over her head, her voice is getting stronger and more confident. God, the woman is delusional.

“I’ll just wait until you come to your senses, honey. I’ll wait, never fear. We’ll go to classes together and name the baby together, and even go shopping, and you’ll be so glad that I did this. Just wait.”

And with that, she sails out of my door and out of my life.

Un.Fucking.Beleivable.

What the hell do I do now?