Team, I am here to report some successes this week.

I have summed up my total inches lost from all the places I measured (bust, chest, waist, hips, thighs, knees, calves, upper arms, even my forearms) and the total inches lost so far is…

…drumroll…

Twelve-point-one inches.

This to me is a milestone. The biggest loss is at my waist, 2 inches. Somehow that one time I measured and thought I lost 4 inches…that wasn’t right. But I DID lose 2 inches, which actually seems to me to be more realistic.

And yes, I’ve lost around the breast area, but only .5 inches so far, so relax. My ultimate goal is to lose 6 inches from there, so I’ve got a ways to go. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Or not, actually, now that I think on it.

Anyway, another 1.75 inches from my hips which is actually really cool because I can totally see a difference now, and an INCH EACH from my upper arms. I can’t quite pinch as much as I used to, and my friends, believe me when I say, that is FUCKING RAD.

I have not lost much pounds-wise. I am going with the theory that I am converting the fat to muscle with all the walking I’m doing. Plus, as the women in the audience will probably know, there’s that time of the month when the weight is kind of gained and then lost, and that’s happening now. The last time was around the beginning of my little program, when I lost about four pounds all at once. I’m hoping that happens again, because I am behind on my weight goals. BUT that’s not as important to me as the inches lost, that is freaking awesome.

Did I mention I now have cheekbones? Sorta? Like, shadows at least?

Okay. Now, for you that would like to know, I have broken down the 2N weight loss program into three easy steps.

Step One: Pedometer. Essential to the success of any 2N program dieter. We prefer the fancy ones with the leather cases, with perhaps even a safety bungee to prevent accidental droppage, but please, whichever model you select, keep it away from the Dogs.

Once you have selected your pedometer, wear it everywhere, and display it proudly. This is why red is better. Clearly announce the number of steps taken that day, preferably in the midst of a crowded bar, or, even better, use up some karaoke mike time to share your success with the crowd. People will love you, I promise, and it is the best icebreaker in the world.

If possible, sell your house and move approximately two miles away from the nearest Starbucks, then walk there. When additional steps are needed on your pedometer to reach 10,000 steps, jump up and down a few times. That seems to add 2 steps for every jump. Don’t forget your pedometer when you climb every stair in sight, even if it’s only one or two. Climb it, and announce proudly “TWO stairing steps!”. Or however many you did.

Step Two: Snacks. Buy the following items from your local grocery: raisins, cucumbers, non fat sour cream, Hidden Valley Ranch dry mix, soup, dozens of eggs, and Slim Fast. Keep in mind that this is the 2N I-Am-Not-A-Domestic-Goddess diet, which means little to no culinary skills. Mix up the ranch and sour cream for dip. Use sparingly with your cucumbers (SLICED, you pervs) for midday snacks. Have a Slimfast, some raisins, and 2 hardboiled eggs in the morning, then for lunch have a Slimfast, a hardboiled egg, and then a bowl (one serving = 1 cup) of soup (minestrone or Healthy Choice Chicken Noodle) if you’re still hungry. In the afternoon, have cucumbers & ranch, and have whatever the hell you want for dinner. If you get the urge to snack during the day, pop some raisins. A cup and a half is your full fruit serving for the day, and the Slimfasts are packed with vitamins and deitary fiber to keep you on track. And regular, incidentally. Also get some Mueslix, for some mornings, which I found is really good with chopped up dried California Apricots in it. Also good snacks: applesauce, yogurt, fat free pudding, and Smartfood. One thing about the eggs: I read that people that eat 2 hardboiled eggs in the morning eat fewer calories over the next 24 hours than people that don’t, even if they still have something else for breakfast. Just go easy because they’re loaded with cholesterol.

Step Three:

Get a mouth piercing, also known as the 2N Diet Recommended Appetite Suppressant. Don’t believe me? Try biting down on the back of this fucker six times in one sitting on the same day you’re stuck. You’ll be eating nothing but Slimfasts and slurping down yogurts like crazy for the next three weeks, praying that you don’t bite down on something accidentally. Fortunately, the piercing will NOT prevent you from getting blindly drunk in order to forget about the fact that your lower lip is swelled up to the size of your average kosher dill pickle, and the fact that you have an inch-long bar of steel sticking out through your lower lip. Just stay away from beer, because beer makes it swell EVEN MORE.

But enough of that. Good night from your favorite punk rock blogger chick that is now 12 inches smaller. WOOT!