So, today I’m talking about sex toys. Yep. If you’re squeamish or offended by the idea of discussing little plastic/rubber/motorized toys used in the bedroom (and other places) you may want to stop reading and go find something else. I promise I won’t be offended.

If you’ve read any of my older stuff, you may have come across mention of my “little purple friend”.

Sadly, Mr. Purple and his successor Ms. Pinky have both completely kicked the bucket and I found myself in need of some replacements.

Which is when I decided I had to go sex-toy shopping.

Now, in this world of sexual enlightenment mixed with messages of abstinence and sexual safety, I think it’s silly how “taboo” the idea of sex toys are. At least, in the conversations I typically have with my women friends, it’s not exactly a topic that comes up in daily conversation.

Why is that? If we’re not supposed to have sex with random strangers because we might catch something, or WORSE be labeled a “slut” or “whore” for satisfying our (very natural!) physical cravings, and we’re not with someone who gives it to us on a regular basis, then why not stock up on the sex toys? They’re safe, comfy, and don’t talk back. Nor do they expect to be finished off before you put them away.

Though of course a thorough cleaning doesn’t go amiss.

If I had a daughter, I would much prefer she have a drawer full of these bad boys than to have her running around sleeping with a bunch of guys that I then would feel obligated to give some sort of suitably threatening mother talk to. I mean, seriously. I’m not that threatening. And I really wouldn’t want to have that kind of conversation.

I do want to tell you, though, that I was staggered by the quantity of what is out there. I can’t even describe half the stuff I saw, and I never imagined some of this stuff.

Also I do not recommend a free Google search on this. Save your eyes and go straight to a site you know sells these things because you may not be prepared for what comes up if you google “sex toys”. Just saying.

At any rate, I found one such site, and: Holy. Shit.

There is a lot of stuff out there.

I hesitate even to call it weird, because seriously, different strokes for different folks, right? Literally. I don’t even want to make fun of individual devices or use pictures, because first, this is a sort-of-PG-13-blog, and also: how do I know you don’t have that very same thing in your closet/drawer/secret-stash-place? Far be it from me to make fun of someone else’s li’l friends.

When I can’t even figure out what a given device is for, though…or even where it goes? That can be…shall we say, worrisome. Or maybe I’m just old.

What I didn’t see? Stuff that recharges. So I also had to stock up on batteries. I thought for sure I’d find something that I could just recharge with a handy micro-USB cable or something, but strangely, I didn’t find anything like that. Either I was on the cheapo old person site, or the world of sex toys and bedroom aides hasn’t yet caught up with the rest of our technological society.

I also feel like I was pretty vanilla in my choices. I mean, I don’t need much, honestly. And no, I’m not planning to show you what I got. I will say, though, that I definitely recommend buying online.

I mean, do you think I went up to a sex store in broad daylight to make my purchases? Hell no. I bought these bitches online and I’m pleased to say they came in an unmarked, unremarkable package, thankyouverymuch. I even got a free gift!

I will say that hopefully the UPS guy didn’t know what he was delivering.