Team, I have realized (most of you have figured this out long since) that I seriously suck ASS at housekeeping. I mean, I am simply and utterly useless around the house. IF I had my digital camera still (that I broke), I would take pics so that this blog would be more visually entertaining, but since I don’t I will endeavor to describe to you the homey messiness that currently is 2N’s Casa Of Looooooooove:

Kitchen

Okay let’s start in the kitchen. My kitchen is next on my list of home improvements. I have very limited counter and cupboard space, so even if I were Suzy-Effin-Homemaker I would still have stuff kind of overflowing into view. The walls are this nondescript pale yellow color, and there’s an awkward arch built into the wall between the kitchen and the living room. I have a teensy breakfast nook, into which I have squeezed my giganto round dining table plus 4 chairs. I have no vent over my stove, which is okay since I never use it. The floor is this awful vinyl crap that I can’t wait to tile over.

• First thing I see is that The Cat’s food and water are on top of the kitchen table. This is because my species-confused pooch thinks that cat food is really The Dog’s food, and in order to keep The Cat’s dinner safe, I have to place it out of reach. Since I don’t think I have ever sat at this table to eat dinner, I’m not too distrurbed at this fact.
• Next, let’s peer inside the refrigerator. *Shudder*. I have to mention that there are no leftovers that are growing cute little moldy things (because I never cook, hence never have leftovers). Thus the fridge is probably the best demonstration of my lack of culinary skills:
  • Top Shelf: 1 gallon of milk, 1 container of V8 Splash peach/mango juice (mixer for the vodka in the freezer), 2 containers of orange juice, and a jar of french onion dip.
  • Second shelf: 3 containers of peach yogurt, 1 box of baking soda to keep down smells of aforementioned non-existent leftovers, two jars of pickles (they were buy one, get one free), chocolate syrup (from Starbucks!) mixed in my 2-cup mixing cup for when I want to make a mocha, a dozen eggs, and an open container of pineapple juice.
  • Third shelf: 24 bizillion containers of Dasani water and a jar of Miracle whip. I refuse to drink tap water, and Safeway has a 24 case for $5. That is such a freaking DEAL! There’s another full case sitting on top of the 12 roll pack of paper towels that’s sitting on top of my cooler.
  • Fourth shelf: Cans and bottles of about six different kinds of beer (leftovers from my last party). The most humorous thing about this shelf is that I don’t drink beer. At all. Ever. When people come over, I fall all over myself to hand out as much beer as I can because I’m sure that sooner or later, it will go bad. Does beer go bad? See, I don’t even know.
  • Meat drawer (heh heh): Assorted packages of real bacon bits, half a salami (which technically could be considered leftovers I guess – it was used as a fake strap-on at one of my parties), an unused onion, and the remainders of a package of Li’l Smokies.
  • Vegetable Crisper: Some brainiac stuffed it full of 20oz Icehouse bottles. The same brainiac that actually bought the 20oz Icehouse bottles that no one drank.
• That’s really it for the kitchen. There are no dishes in the sink, but the counter has assorted paint samples and magazine cutouts left out since my last side job. Oh, and a sample of tile that I want to use on the floor in here. And my purse, that’s on the counter too.

Living Room

In here, my walls are a flame-orange. The trim around the windows is all original to the house, so circa 1930’s (so are the windows, hence my shitty electric bill), and I have stained and varnished them a mahogany color, plus installed cream colored roman blinds on two of the windows. The third doesn’t need one, and the fourth still has the crappy sheet-like curtains that were in the house when I bought it. I finally got a couch, which is navy blue, and a mission-style chair with a red and orange soft blanket on it and a red suede pillow. I also have a green armchair that I’ve had forever that is now The Dog’s Chair. I have a bookshelf filled with framed photos and my collection of Starbucks city mugs from all the cities I’ve been to (and some I haven’t), and on the wall above my TV is my Wall of Fame…black framed black and white photos of me, The Kid, and The Crew from when I was a baby on up to present-day. Every once in a while, I find a photo that I add to the collection. I have framed photos everywhere, plus assorted photo albums. I am a picture-a-holic, which makes the breakage of my digital camera a bitter, bitter loss. I have a round table with my ONE plant, which I’ve had for almost a year now (!) and am very excited to report that it is still alive.

Cleanliness-wise, the living room looks okay except that it looks a little like Santa Claus trimmed his freaking beard in here. The Dog has eviscerated more of his favorite stuffed animal so there’s guts all over the place. In addition, all my drawing stuff is strewn all over the coffee table, and on the bottom shelf I have built up a nice collection of magazines that 1N can yell at me about the next time she comes over. Over by the TV there is a stack of mail. I only open my mail with extreme reluctance. I do all my business over the internet so I can’t understand why anyone sends me anything at all. I don’t know why that is, I guess I just hate opening mail, is all.

Spare Bedroom

Down the hall to the left is The Spare Bedroom. This is where I keep my clothes, shoes, what-have-you. I have no closet in the bedroom, so this room is mostly taken up with a huge dresser from Ikea and a futon bed which is currently strewn about with all my clean clothes. I hate folding laundry almost as much as I hate opening mail.

The walls are a muted moss-green, with the same stained trim as in the living room. There’s no door on the closet, I’m thinking a curtain made of wood beads would be schweet! The windows have some crap-ass gauzy curtains on them, I haven’t gotten around to tearing them down yet and giving them to The Dog.

The Bathroom

Oh….the Bathroom. Messy. Hair dryer in the sink from my hurried “get-ready” this morning (I’m still having trouble adjusting to Daylight Savings – haven’t been able to wake up before 8:00 for a week and a half), bluish-periwinkle walls, white shower curtain with big fuzzy green frogs on it, and assorted makeup and other beauty supplies strewn about the miniscule countertop-sink-vanity piece of crap. On the inside of the toilet lid is the piece-de-resistance: a sticker with big black block letters that reads “Inhalation Hazard”. There’s also a vintage lamp in the corner which is nice to turn on while I’m soaking in the tub.

The Bedroom

And last, but certainly not least, is The Bedroom. Yes, yes, here is where the magic happens. According to Angel, I am going to get tons of ass with this tattoo, so I’m anticipating that this room will see lots of action. I’m excited for that to start happening. Sometime soon.

Dominating the room is a queen size, double-pillow top mattress and box spring. I don’t have a bed frame. The bed has moss-green sheets on it, four pillows in dark green pillow cases, a huge down comforter with white duvet, and I swear to you it is THE MOST comfortable bed ever. Ever! I have a little bedside stand with shelves and a lamp, with an alarm clock that does me no good AT ALL (I hit snooze roughly twenty-five times every morning), and a wicker (nice wicker, not that lame-ass lawn furniture type wicker) hamper in the corner. The bed’s not made, in case you couldn’t guess. Next to the bed is a little sheepskin rug that’s nice on the bare feet in the morning, since I keep the Casa pretty effin’ cold in order to save on the frigging electric bill. There’s also about six pillows in total on the bed, plus a big body pillow. I likes me some pillows! The walls are a brown color with the same trim and windows as the rest of the house. I actually really like my bedroom a lot.

So that’s the tour. I see that I need to add the following to my list of qualifications that will define The Perfect Man:

• Someone good at folding laundry, cooking, and other domestic chores. Preferably, someone that likes doing those chores. I’ll pitch in, but don’t expect me to initiate any of that crap.
• Someone without a phobia of opening mail. Preferably I would like someone who would be fine with me handing over my paycheck and he could just pay my bills and give me an allowance. That would be sa-weeeet!
• Someone who’s okay with the fact that I have several unfinished home-improvement projects going at any given time. I have a whole vision of how the Casa will look when I’m done, and unfortunately it’s difficult at times to actually see my vision amidst the chaos.
• I forgot to mention the state of my backyard. Suffice to say, I need someone that likes to mow lawns and ideally comes equipped with a mower.

I’m sure I’ll blog again before the day is out (it’s ONLY 5:30!!) but that’s all for now. I was hoping to have been added to the Rockstar’s friends list so I can post this comment that’s been burning a hole in my brain but no luck so far. Maybe I’ll go fold some laundry or something along those lines.