Hi there. For your reading pleasure, twice in one day, here I am. What better topic than sex? Because when it’s so hot out that you can’t even think about doing it, what’s better than blogging about it?
This blog talks about sex, and it’s really long. So if you don’t want to read about sex, stop now and I won’t feel bad and you won’t be mad at me for offending you.
Plus I am just a little bit drunked and so this is guaranteed to be quite frank. Witty? Perhaps. But definitely some down-home 2N straightforwardness.
Nicole posted an awesome blog about things not to do during sex.
I don’t know if Nicole wrote this or is reposting it (Nicole?) but while I agreed with a majority of the sentiments, I thought I’d add my own $0.02 and give you the benefit of not one, but TWO points of view on this subject.
We’ll call this Good Sex Volume Three.
1) MAKING HER FEEL LIKE A HOOKER.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials.
2N: True. There is nothing sexier than feeling a man’s lips (or hands) in unexpected places. Like it or not, breasts, necks, and hoo-hoo’s are high-traffic areas. Try turning her on by kissing areas that are begging for attention, such as shoulders, inner thighs, calves, and (holy shit!) the back. My back is one of the HOTTEST spots on my entire body, and sadly gets neglected all too often. Gentlemen, explore uncharted territory. Your woman will thank me later.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
2N: This is true, but I have to say that the earlobe is one of the most sensual locations on the body. At least, for me. And trying sucking your breath IN, not out. The rush of air past her ear may just turn her on like it does me. Which is quite a bit, FYI.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
2N: THANK YOU. I love the LOOK of scruff on a man, but, sadly, not necessarily the feel.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
2N: Agreed. Breasts can be tender. Squeezing gently (alternating with techniques mentioned in #5 and #6) can sometimes be stimulating. Check first.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.
2N: Sometimes a little rough nipple play can be exciting. Best test the waters before proceeding in this area first though.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
2N: Seriously. We’re not trying to tune in Tokyo here. Licking with your tongue and blowing, or even skimming the palms of your hands over them will produce fabulous results. Try teasing her by not touching her anywhere but lightly across her nipples and I can almost guarantee good results. Trust me.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
2N: AT LAST! Gentlemen, pay attention here for all the reasons listed in #1. Please. I’m begging you. And not in the sexy submissive way, either.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
2N: Since I don’t wear underwear 90f the time, I have no comment.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
2N: Thanks. Stepping on a used condom first thing in the morning that was considerately disposed of on your bedroom floor has got to be one of the WORST morning experiences in the world. Even including dragon breath.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
2N: Not bad. Less is more in this area.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
2N: Sweet. And very true. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve been so close and left hanging because it was “time for sex”. Please, I don’t want to die of orgasm denial during sex. Seriously. The caveat here is that there is something to be said for getting to the brink and backing off a few times. As long as at some point, you actually put her over it.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.
2N: If you can. Sometimes it’s just not possible. If she wears a sweater when she’s got the idea that she’s gonna get busy, well, then, that’s her problem. If you can’t laugh during sex you shouldn’t be having it. Women: plan ahead.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
2N: Who the fuck ever thought having a wedgie was sexy? I never even heard of this. Of course, refer back to #8 on why I am so dismally lacking in experience in this area.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
2N: Men: If you haven’t heard of the “come here” maneuver yet, you shouldn’t be having sex. Seriously. All you have to do is have a finger or two inside and do a gentle “come here” motion with your fingertips. If you can’t picture what I’m talking about, then ask your girl. She’ll know what I mean.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
2N: True. Elbows and knees are good for getting out those pesky muscle knots, but in the area of relaxing massage, hands and palms is where it’s at. Lightly and in unexpected places.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.
2N: True. Wait till she’s allowed you to get her shirt off before going for yours.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a man at his worst. Lose the socks first.
2N: NEVER. HAVE. SEX. IN. SOCKS. Please. Do me a favor and don’t inflict this on your lady-friend. Please.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
2N: Okay, I’ll go with that. Hard and fast does definitely have its moment though.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
2N: Thigh or stomach? Shit. Having those things bash into the genital region is almost as bad as you getting a kick to the nads. Seriously. You can pretty much forget about giving her the big O after pulling a stunt like that.
20) CUMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure, too.
2N: Coming too soon. That’s subjective, really. If you were to ask me, I’d say that sex (the actual genitalia to genitalia part) should never last more than twenty minutes, tops. The rest should be foreplay (and yes, I include oral sex in my definition). Anything longer than twenty minutes, and unless I’m drunk, see #21.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.
2N: See comments in #20.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.
2N: For God’s sake. If you don’t know if she came or not, she probably didn’t. Women: NEVER FAKE IT. Seriously. Just be honest that you didn’t, and MEN: don’t kill yourselves over it. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen, and that’s okay.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
2N: Again, gentleness has its place. But for God’s sake, when she’s indicating that whatever you’re doing feels good, don’t stop. Don’t change it up in the vain hope that whatever you try next will feel even better. Just keep doing it. Unless your tongue’s about to fall off. In that case, you’re excused.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
2N: I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Never guide a woman’s head to your dick unless you’re playing that sort of game. Puh-leeze. Haven’t you seen all the romantic comedies where they make fun of this move? Jeebers.
25) NOT SHAVING, PART 2.
Men seem to like women to be shaved down below. That’s fine. But women like that too. That doesn’t mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and trimmed. There’s nothing that turns a girl off more than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.
2N: Plus, it makes your penis look bigger. HEL-lo.
26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.
2N: Give the courtesy heads up. If she keeps going, ROCK ON! If not, just be glad you’re getting a blow job at all and think about how, if the situation were reversed, you’d probably not do it either. That being said, WOMEN: Think about it. If you don’t do it now, try it. Once. Keep an open mind. I’m not a dude, but I can pretty much gather than swallowing feels SO MUCH BETTER to the dude than when it gets cut short mid-orgasm.
27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.
2N: I have to disagree with this one. As long as I have room to breathe, thrust away. It helps me know I’m doing a good job. And grabbing hair is ALWAYS okay.
28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
2N: I have to say that the idea of sitting there with a face full of jizz does not make me feel in the least bit sexy. But breasts? Go for it. I’m naked anyway. Just make sure YOU’RE the one that goes to get the towel.
29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
2N: Turn about is fair play. I am a firm believer in being on top for at least partly as long as the man is. Otherwise, I’m wussing out. Fuck that shit.
30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.
2N: For some women, this is definitely a turn on. To be safe, ASK FIRST. Pretending it’s an accident is like saying, “Oops! I slipped and fell into your vagina”. Anal sex doesn’t just happen like that. It takes maneuvering. So do us the favor of pretending we have enough intelligence to know that it wasn’t a mistake. If you want to do it, ask. WOMEN: Consider it, if you haven’t already. I mean it.
31) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “to show my buddies.” If she agrees, at least let her have custody of them.
2N: There is no such thing as letting her have custody of them when everyone and their dog has a digital camera nowadays. WOMEN: If you don’t trust your man and you don’t want pictures of your naked ass (and other areas) distributed to his closest friends and acquaintances, don’t allow a camera in the bedroom. Period. MEN: Be respectful, for God’s sake.
32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no-no.
2N: Sticky is no good. Imaginative sex does not always turn out the way it should. I can confidently say I have never climaxed from having sex while being covered with chocolate sauce and other sundae toppings. Seriously. Feathers; okay. Ice? Maybe. Honey? No thanks.
33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.
2N: Do what you can to minimize the noise, but for crying out loud: you’re having sex. And it’s ugly and beautiful and sensual and noisy and romantic and realistic all at once. That means that queefs and funny sucking noises during blow jobs and slapping noises on asses or stomachs are just going to happen. Laugh about it.
34) PULLING ON HER HOOD PIERCING.
If you think she likes to have her piercings (that Kivaka did) pulled on, then you really need to get your dick pierced so she can pull on yours.
2N: I have no comment here, being sadly lacking in the hood-piercing area.
35) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
2N: Agreed. I am not Gumby. That is all.
36) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.
2N: BUT that doesn’t mean we don’t like it. Check first. There’s a ton of nerve endings down there, and the G-spot is easier to reach from there than from the front. Some women totally dig it, and you never know until you ask.
37) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
2N: Amen. I like bites. Do it somewhere it can’t be seen and I am a happy camper. Anywhere else and I am so totally not into it.
38) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.
2N: But DO tell us what you like.
39) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.
2N: I have to fully disagree here. I LOVE hearing dirty talk. Maybe the part about “she’ll let you know” applies to me, but for the record, it can’t hurt to try a little. If she hates it, you’ll be able to tell.
40) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
2N: I have to disagree here too. There’s a difference between not caring and accepting the fact that sometimes it just won’t happen, or that even sometimes she wants to just do something nice for you. Sometimes it just won’t happen, and that’s okay. Seriously. Although there is something to be said for making her come and not expecting anything else, just letting her revel in the feeling. Trust me, she will want to pay you back in some very nice ways later.
41) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
2N: I like the feeling of a man on top of me, especially after we’ve both climaxed. Something about it says, “That was some fucking AWESOME sex. I am so relaxed I can’t even move.” WOMEN: use the time to rub your hands on his back and arms. In my experience, this feels really good after working so hard.
42) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
2N: Maybe not thank her in words, such as “Wow, thanks for the sex. See you tomorrow, then?” But never think that you shouldn’t show your appreciation in other ways: kiss her shoulder, her forehead, her knee, whatever. Run your hands over her body to show that you like how she feels. Tell her that you feel fantastic. Any of these things will show your appreciation without making her feel like a two-bit hooker.
Okay, I just re-read and realized that this is a really long blog. Thanks for sticking it out. Let me know if you agree/disagree or just hate me for talking about sex. In which case, well, I am sorry but not really because sex really is one of my most favorite things in the world and I love talking about it. And this is my blog, so. There you have it.