A little over a week later, I’m still surprised when the doorbell rings and there is no answering frenzy of barking. Or when I see a squirrel in the back yard but I don’t see a black streak running across the lawn after it. Or when sirens go by and I don’t hear him “singing the song of his people”. For those who didn’t know him, one of Rockefeller’s funnier quirks was to howl in tune (sort of) with sirens going by the house. Even if they were barely audible.

I still walk through the door and hold it open for the dog I’m sure will be behind me. Pictures of dogs and puppies in my Facebook feed still make me cry. I still hear noises at night and think to myself, “if it were an intruder, Rockefeller would…oh wait.” I still step carefully in the morning before I remember that he’s not there to step on when I get out of bed. When I call for the cat, I accidentally say his name before I catch myself.

The YouTube video of Fritz the World’s Worst Food Catcher showed up on my Facebook news feed the other day. It hit me like a punch in the face, I watched it laughing and crying hysterically. Fritz and Rockefeller would have gotten along great. He couldn’t catch food for the life of him either.

I ran into the vet that helped him after he was injured in the grocery store the other day. Such a sweet lady. She told me how much they miss him at the vet office, and the both of us were tearing up right there in the cereal aisle. He touched everyone he met, my sweet boy did.

I know it will get easier, but it still sucks. Every day.

One of my lovely friends bought this for me and the Boy. When we get his ashes back from the vet, we’re going to have a little sort of ceremony and put this in the back yard with some of his ashes sprinkled around it. I think he’d like to have a little bit of himself back there where he had so much fun. Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it will help us say goodbye, too.