it’s hotter than shut-your-mouth

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I don’t do well in the heat.

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Being that I live in the Pacific Northwest, you can imagine the effect the blistering heat has on something that is accustomed to a damp, dank environment.

That’s right. I’m like a slug dried up on the sidewalk.

Here I would normally insert a picture as reference, but…just go ahead and google “dead slug pictures”. It’s not pretty. At all.

So instead, I will continue. Fair warning: I am going to swear at you. Well, not at you. At the internets.

Hot weather, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:

  1. It’s a fucking waste of time to do my hair. Why? Because as soon as I step outside my bathroom my entire scalp springs out in a soaking sweat and my hair literally freaks out and goes alternatively limp and stringy or spastically frizzy.
  2. Likewise, it is a waste of effort to do my makeup. Any make up. At all. As soon as I’m done I can feel everything just melting off my face. I am literally melting my face off.
  3. I spend all damn day developing large bodies of water in every unmentionable crack, crevice, and cranny on my body. Forget what those porn movies tell you, hot sweaty bodies ARE NOT PRETTY.
  4. None of my cars have air conditioning.
  5. One of my cars actually has reverse air conditioning. Even with the heat and fan all the way off, my truck still likes to emit hot air (hot air, in case you missed that) from the floor vents. Which means my legs feel like they are being barbecued from the knees down. Which doesn’t help the large bodies of water or the makeup melting off my damn face.
  6. Putting my hands on my steering wheel makes me instantly convinced that the top five layers of skin on my palms has just. Burned. Right. The Fuck. Off. Seriously. My hands hurt from holding the steering wheel!
  7. It even sucks in the evenings. I go to sit outside with my nice and ice cold a-dult beverage, and the mosquitos swarm up and bite the ever-living shit out of me. My legs, ankles and the bottoms of my damn feet have mosquito bites. Stupid little assholes.

I literally can’t even. I don’t even know how to start even-ing in this weather. Somebody. Save me. Please.

 

1 comments on “it’s hotter than shut-your-mouth”

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