Okay. So what’s the biggest thing you all want to know? The most pressing question on your mind?

I’ll tell you.

You want to know: How to Be A Dirty, Mouthy Hooker.

As defined by No N of the Family von N, this means you fall up the stairs, make rude jokes but never brush your teeth in front of anyone, and you say things that other people are really only thinking. And possibly those things should staythoughts, and not words. But thus is the way of the Dirty, Mouthy Hooker.

Now. As mentioned in prior blogs and in my profile, I personally have much experience with this. I also have a couple readers who are extremely accomplished at this as well. It’s hard work. You have to be dirty, first. Luckily, I’m good at that. Secondly, you need to be mouthy. This means you talk (a lot) and you’re loud (usually the “loud bitch at the bar” loud) and you have to (have to) be a hooker. Lastly, you have to exude that certain something, that something extra, that indescribable element that proclaims that YOU are THE Dirty, Mouthy Hooker.

So I have listed out the basics (because you know I can’t resist a well-put-together list) for you. In this way, you too can aspire to be a: Dirty. Mouthy. Hooker.

• Firstly, and most importantly, as stated above, you have to be dirty. Naughty. Profane. Every comment made byanybody can and must be made disgusting and dirty. Say things like, “I’ll ride you ’till you scream my name, bitch”, or “I think I just vomited in my mouth”. Use the c-word wildly and with abandon. Swear like a sailor. People won’t complain. Why? Because you’re a Dirty, Mouthy Hooker. It’s expected.

  To the innocent question, “Do you have anything to eat?”, the DMH would respond, “I’ll give you something to eat.” To a simple query such as “Do you have a pen I could borrow?”, the DMH would respond: “Sure. It’s right here under my desk.” Words like “toy”, “cheek”, and even “rotate” (and these are all just today) can be twisted into meaning things that the users never, ever, intended. In this way, seemingly harmless words take on all new, naughty, meanings.

• Secondly: you must be Mouthy. As a long-time DMH myself, I have discovered a phenomenon called Thought-To-Speech-With-No-Pause-For-Consideration (TTSWNPFC), aka “having no filter”. This means that thoughts enter your head and immediately exit your mouth (with no further consideration given to the advisability of expressing said thoughts aloud). When you combine a very active interior monologue with TTSWNPFC, you get such gems as: “Do you have, like, you know, a taco? Or something?” or, “Oh, so you’re a fucking comedian, I see.” or, “Who the fuck are you and why are you sitting in my seat?”, or even just “Poop.” Things of that nature.

  Being mouthy is more than just saying what’s on your mind. You have to be unafraid of confrontation. Who cares if the bitch is ten feet tall? Tell her she could do with a shower. That dude with the mullet? Share with him exactly how disgusting that crappy mop on top of his head looks. Drunked? Even better. Share your innermost thoughts at the top of your lungs, preferably in a bar setting. Tell everyone you meet how awesome you are and how much they suck. Again, they won’t complain. Why?

  Because you’re a Dirty, Mouthy Hooker. Obviously.

• Obviously, you must also be a hooker. Now. Being a true hooker takes time and energy that the fast-paced DMH just does not have the capacity for. Therefore, the DMH is on a reduced regimen that includes:
  • Simply whoring yourself out to superstars such as The Rocketman, Vil-ate, and Sirensong. You must relentlessly pimp them in your blogs. Make sure to insinuate that this is in return for mutual favors, preferably those of the sexual variety.
  • Comment wildly and with abandon on your pimps’ blogs. Make sure everyone knows that you’re delivering the goods in return for the pimping.
  • Make promises that you won’t deliver. Flirt shamelessly with everyone, preferably those of the same sex. Generate images of naughty girl-on-girl action within the minds of your readers.
  • Make it sound like you’re getting some, all the time. Even if you’re not. Pretend that on Friday nights you don’t actually just sit at home on MySpaz. Log out, clean your house, then talk the next day about how drunked you were and how much ass you got.

   

• The final element to a DMH is an innate radness that can’t be duplicated by just anyone attempting to be a Dirty, Mouthy Hooker. These types of “imposters” or “posers” end up coming off like drunked up Canadians on holiday attempting to fit in with the “cool kids” down south. It just doesn’t work.

  This radness comes from a couple places. One is what I like to call, an Overdeveloped-Clumsiness-Reflex. A DMH must be almost as willing to laugh at him/herself as he/she laughs at others. This means: if there are stairs, you will fall up them in addition to down. You will trip over perfectly flat pavement. You will slip on seemingly (actually) dry floors. If it’s a wall, you’ll walk into it. If it’s a corner, you’ll hit it with your shoulder. If it can be dropped, knocked over, bumped into, or otherwise disarrayed, you’re all over it. With style and grace, of course.

  Another source of radness is exmplified in the DMH’s unusual conservatism in certain areas. A DMH will happily discuss oral sex at top volume in a bar, and yet never pee in front of anyone. A DMH will discourse for hours on the pros and cons of missionary vs. doggy-style, and yet never brush his/her teeth in front of an audience. A DMH will make disgusting jokes about nuns and hot dogs, and never fart in public. Seriously. It’s this complex contradiction in nature that truly defines a Dirty, Mouthy Hooker.

Hopefully this has served to clarify for you what it truly takes to be a Dirty, Mouthy Hooker.

Still unsure whether you have what it takes? Don’t be afraid to sign up now for our special one-time-only-today-but-still-offered-tomorrow-for-the-first-fifty-respondents-but-really-whoever-at-all offer: DMH Bootcamp! A $3,872,634 value, could be yours for only $3,000,000! Don’t wait! Act now! Visit your favorite alcoholic beverage dispensing location and use this secret code phrase: “Where the hell did you learn to sling drinks, because this stuff tastes like shit.” They will immediately know what you’re talking about and point you in the right direction.

For more propagational information, please contact me. Surveys available for those that would like to assess their DMH potential.

This public service announcement paid for by the LFB Corporation dba 2NDMH Foundation. We appreciate your love and support. Mush On.