I’d love to report that day 1, what with all the orange juice spills and stickiness of skirt was just an anomaly and that I returned to a manageable level of craziness thereafter…but no.

Today is day 2, and already I’ve lost a toenail and…BURNED MYSELF WITH MY CURLING IRON FOR THE THIRD TIME.

I use capitals here to express my sheer amazement and disbelief at my own inability to operate without a minder. I need someone to like, manage me or something because clearly I shouldn’t be left alone unattended.

And honestly, that was just this morning which is completely depressing.

For this next anecdote, what you need to know is that my office does Thirsty Thursdays. Every Thursday we all grab a beer from the fridge and drink…within reason of course.

This was me, two sips into my Mike’s Hard Cherry:

Sigh.

And then in the finale of the evening, somehow this happened and I’m not sure how:

Now hiring: babysitter for 2n. Must be able and willing to safely manage sharp objects, containers of liquid, and extremely hot curling irons. Extra credit if you’re in the habit of carrying a first aid kit on your person at all times. Must be highly resistant to bad language, random epithets, and spilled drinks.

That is all.