[Editor’s note 7/27/2014: Please know that I think hybrid, electric, and other similar types of vehicles are great for the environment. This is not a hate-on-smartcars blog. Just because I think they’re good for the environment, however, does not stop me from laughing my ass off every time I see one. Still.]

Hi team. Sorry it’s been like three days since I last graced you with yet another random stream of consciousness from my overactive imagination. I guess that’s what happens when you indulge in one too many tasty Jaeger snacks over the weekend. Ah well. On with today’s blog:

Firstly: I now love Fashion Bug. It is, completely, in every sense of the word, wonderfully ghetto-fabulous. Nowhere else can I buy-one-get-one-for-a-buck, nor can I find such fantastic acrylic shoes anywhere else in the world. They’re unique in that they sell clothes in sizes bigger than 0 (aka I can get it up to my big toe, approximately) AND the prints are not all teal blue paisley on corduroy. I do have to add that, in keeping with their “we service women who are bigger than stick figures” motto, there is a large rack of candy treats at the checkout. So you can get calories AND clothing, all in the same place. Fabulous.

Secondly. As I’m driving to work this morning, a little spaced out (because a) I just woke up 20 minutes ago, and b) it’s like, before noon and my brain just doesn’t function that early) and I see the following sardine-can-strapped-to-a-skateboard zooming onto the freeway at the same time as I:

Now, if you’re not already completely impressed by it’s stylish appearance, check out the performance features on this bad boy. It actually says on the website that it has, and I quote: “a stylish, roomy interior for 2”. Okay. Any car that seats only two people (and the back of the car, might I add, is close enough to the back of your head to instantateously turn you into a great steaming pile of bloody goulash in the event of an accident) is not stylish nor roomy, in any sense of the word. The thing is 60 hp. Which, if you’re like me and know nothing about the relative power of car engines, means that it’s roughly as powerful as your average Razor scooter.

When I saw this thing, two thoughts ran almost simultaneously through my foggy brain: 1) Am I really seeing what I think I’m seeing? and 2) Oh it’s a half-pint Matchbox car. How cute! So I have some questions for my readers regarding this high-performing piece of heavy-duty machinery. One is, how hard would one have to hit this car to make it roughly the size of a quarter? Secondly, all you men out there who would pick up a date in this fine piece of automotive engineering, please raise your hands.

Apparently the car is extremely safe, however. One, because the conveniently egg-shaped compartment is quite aero-dynamic and will sail through the air during an accident quite smoothly, with little to no turbulence (until you land, that is). The SMART car is also cost effective. In the unfortunate event that your SMART car comes in violent contact with a semi, the aforementioned eggshaped compartment will in fact completely collapse, creating your very own coffin formed exactly to your body dimensions (give or take a few inches depending on whether you’re going half or one quarter of the speed of smell). And, in case you missed the features part, it will be very roomy and stylish – plus it comes in an amazing array of colors. The entire car has also been specially engineered to compress so quickly that you immediately die on impact, even in a relatively routine fender bender. No more costly hospital bills! No more pesky burial fees! In fact, this beauty will self-destruct on impact faster than Dale Earnhardt hitting the fourth wall at the Daytona International Speedway, thus rendering a funeral completely unnecessary.

In closing, I have one question left for my readers: what color do you want your coffin to be?