Stampede At Qwest Field
SEATTLE, WA – Crowds 65,000 strong stampeded out of Qwest Field today during a large scale riot during a pre-season game between the Seattle Seahawks and the Dallas Cowboys. After investigation by the Seattle Police Department, it appears the riot was instigated when a young lady by the name of 2N von N, 29, shoved what appeared to be a very large carrot up the nose of Ethel van der Raider, 89, of Oakland, CA.
Apparently, von N wields a wicked carrot. After enduring van der Raider’s derogatory catcalls throughout the game, it appears that her limit was finally reached when van der Raider started screaming obscenities at nearby Seahawks fans and shouting encouragement for the Oakland Raiders. The Raiders were not actually participating in today’s game.
When Ms. van der Raider began her pro-Raider diatribe, several onlookers witnessed Ms. von N politely tell Ms. van der Raider that the last time the Raiders won a Superbowl was in 1984, and that it was appropriate that she be cheering the Raiders since she was the only one old enough to remember.
This comment appeared to set the match to Ms. van der Raider’s enthusiasm, for she began hurling insults and obscenities at nearby fans. She was heard to declare her undying love, support and affection for all things Raider.
Shortly after Ms. van der Raider called the Seahawk fans “sniveling, smelly nuisances”, onlookers observed Ms. von N launch herself from her seat clutching a long orange object, which later was determined to be a carrot. She threw herself down three rows, landed in front of Ms. van der Raider, and promptly stuck the carrot firmly up Ms. van der Raider’s nose. She was heard to scream, “Have a carrot, you confused old hag! Maybe the beta carotene will help your eyesight! You’re not AT a Raider’s game!”
Some nearby onlookers mistaking Ms. van der Raider for a man, assumed that “he” was attacking Ms. von N, and piled themselves onto the offender. Others, mistaking Ms. von N for a man attacking a defenseless old lady, launched themselves on Ms. von N.
Ms. von N was rescued from the dog pile by a gentleman by the name of Martin D. Slinger. Slinger, thinking quickly, attached a rope to a life preserver and cast it out into the crowd, yelling for Ms. von N to grab it and pull herself to safety. Ms. von N grasped the life preserver and was pulled to safety, after which she and Mr. Slinger promptly jumped back into the fray together, having tied themselves together with the rope from the life preserver.
In no time, the fight spread through the upper levels. It spread to the lower levels when someone mistook a shout of “Screw the Cowboys” for “Kewl Cowboys”. Rabid Seahawks fans promptly started throwing any nearby Cowboys fans into the lower levels. The hapless Cowboys fans, upon landing on the lower level seats, were mistaken for Seahawks fans that had been stripped and re-dressed in Cowboys clothing. Seahawks fans then immediately grabbed anyone dressed in Seahawks clothing and threw them on to the field.
When questioned after the incident, Ms. von N defended her actions, saying, “It’s not my fault the old hag started screaming at everyone. She was getting on my nerves and I’m PMS’ing, so there was no way I was going to stand for that. She’s damn lucky I didn’t stick my foot up her ass along with the carrot up her nose. Word.”
Doctors performed emergency surgery on Ms. van der Raider’s nose and were able to extract the carrot from her nasal passages. She apparently remembers nothing of the event. Authorities surmise that she wandered away from her tour group, Oakland-based Sunshine Family Good Time Traveling Tour, and thought that she was in the Raiders’ stadium back home in Oakland. She was sent back home after recovering from her surgery.
No charges were leveled against Ms. von N; a local judge determined that her actions were reasonable given the circumstances. “Hell, I can’t say that I wouldn’t have done the same thing. No one even remembers that the Raiders even ever won a Superbowl at all,” the judge, who has asked to remain anonymous, commented when asked for his thoughts on the matter.
The Seahawks beat the pants off the Cowboys, 56-3.
-Sally Two Enn, Associated LFB Press
Today’s topic was to write about how we started a riot at a football game, somehow involving an old lady and a carrot.
I think it was supposed to be that I started it on accident. Oh well, I guess I never thought stuffing a carrot up an old lady’s nose would start something on this scale.