Okay it’s the first annual Bertie Botts Bean Tasting Competition! This year’s competitors are No N, 2N, and Doctor Daddy. The atmosphere is tense, the mood anticipatory, as our players prepare for the tournament of their lives.

It’s a game of champions, my friends, where our three heros choose three Bertie Botts jelly beans at random, holding them up to their foreheads in order to examine each other’s picks but not see their own, then count to three and EAT the BEANS!

(For those of you not familiar with Bertie Botts jelly beans, go get yourselves a copy of Harry Potter books, for crying out loud.) A box of jelly beans, equal parts good flavors like Marshmallow and Watermelon, and bad flavors like Boogers and Dirt. The game is that one person draws and distributes one bean to each player (the picker) and the players all stick the beans to their foreheads without looking so that the other players can see what they have, but they can’t:

Fun times all around.

Are you ready?

Bring it.

The room falls into a hush as DoctorDaddy draws out the first three beans and they are distributed amongst the players. He scores a lucky shot with a Buttered Popcorn, while No N samples earthworm-tasting Dirt. It’s a disappointing round for 2N fans as she almost earns herself time in the penalty box by spitting out her Sardine-flavored bean. In round two, No N chooses the beans with trepidation, and delivers a triumphant victory to DD with his Tutti Frutti bean while she and 2N choke down Boogers.

In the third round, 2N is hoping for a win, and she delivers as she pulls out a Spinach for No N, a Watermelon for DD and scores a Bubblegum for herself. It’s round four and DD delivers a win for his team with another Buttered Popcorn while No N and 2N each eat a Dirt. It’s now round Five and Non N delivers a gut punch to DD with a Sardine, while for herself she takes a Cinnamon and delivers a safety Watermelon to 2N. Next it’s an easy round six as DD takes home one more Buttered Popcorn and hands out an easy Blueberry to 2N and No N.

Quick player conference: Shall they tempt fate even further?

Of course they shall.

2N’s wishing they had stopped, as No N delivers her a Black Pepper (oh! that’s gotta hurt!), a Cinnamon for DD, and a Bubblegum for herself. While 2N is recovering from the Black Pepper, she delivers a not-so-tasty Spinach to No N in round eight, lets DD off the hook with a Grape Jelly, and KO’s herself with yet another Sardine. Round nine is deceptively easy, as DD digests yet another Buttered Popcorn, No N takes home the prize with a Green Apple, and 2N takes in a Cinnamon that tastes an awful lot like a Black Pepper.

It’s now round ten and the players decide to mix it up a bit. The wine’s been flowing heavily and it’s time for a rule change. By unanimous decision, the players have now enacted “bean trading”. This means each player is able to trade once and only once, with any other player. This falls a little flat, as everyone lucks out: a Green Apple for 2N, a Bubble Gum for No N, and Roasted Marshmallow for DD.

There’s a quick intermission while each member of the team demonstrates how their bodies do things that nature never meant to happen:

Will our heros attempt a round eleven?

Of course they will.

This time, it appears there’s no beans on the forehead. The players each pick a bean and only they get to see it. They can try to trade to get a bad one off their hands, but they only get a trade once.

This is a bad round for 2N as she takes home an Earwax, DD and No N only slightly better off, with Boogers and Spinach, respectively.

You’d think they’d stop, but no. This has to be the most exciting competition this year, as the players agree to take one more round! 2N wins this one resoundingly with a tasty Lemon Drop, delivering Black Peppers to both No N and DD! It’s a tie all around for our happily drunked competitors. Let’s give them a hand, folks, for being complete troopers!

And now, we go to commercial break as our heroes go to the nearby corner bar for some shots and chasers. Let’s give them a round of applause, people, right here! Give it up for No N! 2N! aaaaaaaaaannd…DoctorDaaaaaaaaddy!

(The crowd goes wild.)