You know that old saying, “don’t shit where you eat?” Usually, it applies to not dating at work. Right now, I think it pertains to MySpaz. I am feeling a little less open, lately, blogwise. I have things I want to write, there’s things I want to say…it’s just getting a little harder to say those things when I worry so much about the impact anything I write might have on people in my real world. Or, more accurately, what they might think/say about what they might read if/when I ever theoretically/hypothetically were to write anything that may or may not have anything to do with said real life people.
Isn’t that kind of sick? Being in my head right now is not any fun.
I spend about 10% of my average day doing things that I want to do. This probably includes work, even. The remaining 90% of the day I spend worrying about whether what I want to do or am thinking of doing or am doing is going to hurt someone’s feelings or disappoint someone or make someone mad. I was talking with a friend the other day about this, and he interrupted and asked me, “What do YOU want?”. I didn’t even have an answer.
There’s nothing more depressing than being 31 years old and pretty sure that my life is nowhere that I want it to be. Or seeing that where I am is maybe not so much where I want to be but where I’ve put myself by making choices based on what will make other people happy instead of me. Maybe I’m just having a bad moment. Or year. Or, you know, whatever.
The worst part is, I feel totally fake. I don’t want to admit what I want, even in the comparative privacy of my own mind, because of how it might make people feel. So I tell myself that I’m happy with the maple bar when what I really want is the cream filled chocolate covered glazed donut. Even writing this, I’ve backspaced more lines than I’ve kept. I joke that I’m too accommodating…but it’s true. I say “yes” when I really want to say “no”, because I’m afraid to fight and I’m afraid to hurt people’s feelings. I end up even convincing myself that it’s what I wanted to do all along, or that I’m just picking my battles, or that I really did want the maple bar instead of the cream-filled chocolate covered glazed donut. It’s a sad, sad thing.
You’ve probably guessed by now that I am the most guilt-trip-susceptible asshole in the world. All it takes is one snarky comment about something and I can’t get it out of my head. I obsess about it for hours. Half the time, the comments that most affect me weren’t even meant to try to make me feel bad, but because I am supersensitive to it, I end up feeling bad anyway. Then I apologize. It’s almost funny when you think about it, how I apologize for doing something that may or may not have hurt someone’s feelings as a result of a comment that may or may not have even been meant to remind me of the may-or-may-not activity. Guilt trips are a bunch of crap anyway. If everyone just did it my way and suppressed all those negative feelings and pretended everything was fine, the world would be a much more happier place.
Here’s a list of things I want to do. And I won’t even feel bad about any of them:
- Spend a day reading at the park. Maybe with the Dogs. I haven’t decided.
- Drive the Jeep with the top down in the rain.
- Go see a movie.
- Spend a ridiculous amount of money on the skimpiest lingerie I can find.
- Take a train ride.
- Spend a weekend in an unfamiliar city where I don’t know anyone.
- Take myself out to dinner.
- Buy new furniture.
- Party all weekend and buy drinks for people I don’t even know.
- Spend a week in bed.
- Have sex.
- Get my photo taken naked.
- Kiss for hours.
- Watch all three extended versions of the Lord of the Rings. In a row.
- Go to Skippers.
- Get a new tattoo. Even if my other one isn’t done yet.
- Take a walk at midnight.
On a much more positive and less complainative note: Lonnie, the karaoke host at my new favorite smoking bar has decided to start recording his karaoke singers on Mondays and Tuesdays. Luckily (maybe not so luckily), he’s provided me with links to some of them. So for any of you that wanted to hear the next big karaoke thing (outside of the back of a taxicab), here you go. Hand picked just for you. Right click here and select Save Target As to download it. I haven’t quite figured out how to make it just where you can click and play it yet. If anyone knows how to do that, I would probably like, say thanks or something.