I’ve been on the receiving end of some truly inspiring emails today that I thought I would share. Names and identifying characteristics, facts, and details have been changed. Oh wait! There ARE no details or facts in any of these. Please note that I have kept all grammar, spelling, and punctuation intact.

This one’s a two-parter, coming to us from Washington, I give you M.A.S.H.B.O.T.. Age: 22

Part One

M.A.S.H.B.O.T.: hi cutie

2N:[nothing – I hadn’t responded, not actually thinking that this required a response, because…it didn’t really say anything.]

Part Two (15 minutes later)

M.A.S.H.B.O.T.: are you gonna reply?

[by this time I’m thinking, oh wow I better because really I’m a nice person, and he DID give me a compliment.]

2N Response: “Wow, sorry…I was writing some emails. [LIE!] Thank you for saying that I’m cute, that was very nice. Unfortunately your previous email didn’t give me a whole lot to go on, though…so I’ll just say thanks and I hope you have a wonderful week!”

No response yet, but it’s only been 7 minutes. I could still get lucky and bag a “wooot wooo” (refer below).

Next, G-Money Lime-aid, all the way from Texas, age: 100 years. [Mhm. Try..12? Unless we’re dealing with high school yearbook pics a la Must Love Dogs.]

G-Money Lime-Aid:

wow ur so…CUTE haha

and u have such a nice body!

I actually responded to this one.

2N Response: “Wow, I’m almost tempted to think that you’re making fun of me. Except I’m almost 30 years old and we don’t do that anymore. So instead, I’ll just assume that you’re serious, that I was right all along, and that I’m a goddess. So thanks!”

Now see he said something kinda nice…but in reality, I think he only looked at my default pic. Which is admittedly the best one I have up there, and fairly recent, although my hair is short now. I still think he was making fun of me, though, which is just plain rude.

Next up is Buffalo Who? giving us the “shout out” (literally, I think) from Washington. Age: 48.

Buffalo Who?: woooot wooooo

To which I’m not sure how to reply. Is he a train conductor? Am I Miss Deaf Texas about to get flattened by an Amtrak? Have I been wolf whistled at via email? Not sure exactly. I have “Can I Get a What What?” running through my head now. At least he’s not 12.

To add insult to injury: none of the above were accompanied by a friend request. I’m almost disappointed I don’t get to click “Deny”.

My personal favorite, which I already blogged about in my earlier installment today, but it deserves a second showing. From Assclown the Amazing Jerk-Off, age 29 from Washington state:

Assclown the Amazing Jerk-Off: I want to f*** you while you’re sucking another guy’s c***~

Now, I’m not trashing the menage-a-trois fantasy that I’m sure everyone has daydreamed about from time to time. I’m obviously not the only one, as evidenced by Ass Clown here. But this was just plain offensive coming from someone I don’t even know. Plus as I mentioned in said earlier installment, I have a thing about seeing the word fuck in print. Damn there I did it. To top it off, all I could come up with at the time was, “I want to punch you straight in the mouth.” I mean, really. There were several much more witty responses I could have given. For example:

1. What fun. Are you sure your mother might not want to be there instead of me? Or your grandma? Oh wait, your mother, grandma…probably the same person. Do yourself a favor and run your head into a wall or perhaps lick a finger and put it in a light socket. Or your ass. Whichever’s easier and gets rid of you faster.
2. Oh really? I was just thinking the same thing. Except instead of you, it was Brad Pitt, and instead of another guy, it was my big fat dildo that would give me WAY more pleasure than you ever could, you limp dick.
3. How interesting you should say that. Because all I want to do is vomit all over this computer screen right on your profile. Except I would be the only one that would have to clean it, and you would never know. So how about I just TELL you I did it, and then maybe you’ll understand just how offensive I find you. Toodles!

Team, these were all just today. I do want to say that I’m not a mean person, and I’m not trying to make fun of anyone (except maybe Ass Clown) but really, if you want to email me at least read my profile and spend a second seeing if you’re even someone I’d be interested in. Or, as a novel approach, try just saying hi and a couple things about yourself to break the ice. It works better than the wolf whistle or intrusion on my menage-a-trois fantasy.

Toodles!